Globe Warming Because Heavenly Father Won’t Let Anyone Touch Thermostat

“Verily, am I made of money?” intoned the LORD.

Supernal Realms, May 8 – Scientists with an ear to the heavens are reporting that, contrary to various studies showing that climate change is occurring as a result of human industrial by-products, in fact the rise in average temperatures on Earth stems from God’s insistence that His children keep their hands off the global thermostat, for crying out loud.

Writing in the journal Climate Science, researchers presented an analysis of recordings in which the Heavenly Father of humankind is heard to rebuff requests to turn on the world’s air conditioning system, instead admonishing His children to open a window, take off their socks, or myriad other stratagems to cool off without increasing the household’s electricity consumption.

“Verily, am I made of money?” intoned the LORD on more than one occasion, according to the article. “Thou shalt keep thy hands off the thermostat, or thou shalt be in trouble. A man or woman who toucheth the thermostat, that soul shall be cut off from its weekly allowance and grounded. And a man or woman who standeth with the refrigerator open shall be banished. For I sayeth, money groweth not on trees.”

The scientists stressed that their analysis is still incomplete, but that it was clear the role of divine safeguarding of the thermostat has not been factored into existing Climate Change models. “The field of climatology must find a way to assimilate this data,” said the study’s lead author, Greene Hauseffeckt. “We’re not saying that human industrial activity plays no part in climate change, but now we have ample evidence of a previously unaccounted-for set of factors, and that has to be reckoned with.”

Climatologists seemed taken aback by the findings. “What does He have that thermostat for if He never wants anyone to use it?” wondered T. Najer of the University of California at Davis. “He should have thought of that when He got it installed. It’s just not fair, in my assessment as a scientist.” He added that none of the other father-gods he knew restricted their children in such a manner.

Other scientists expressed reluctance to accept the new data. “This presents us with a new paradigm, which requires more than a simple ‘OK’ to be considered legitimate,” said E. Vangelical, a professor of Climatology at the University of Phoenix. “I’m reserving judgment until other studies can replicate these results. Are you warm? I think it’s warm in here. I’m going to turn on the AC.”