God Considering Russia, Syria For Genocide Of Palestinians Since Israel So Bad At It

Other countries can still submit applications and documented evidence of their capacity for the kind of ethnic cleansing and mass murder that Israel has only committed in the imaginations of its enemies.

Heaven, April 8 – Supernal sources indicated today that the Almighty has expressed displeasure with the performance of Israel in its work of exterminating the Palestinians, and reported that the Lord has come closer to deciding that Vladimir Putin or Basher Assad would be better candidates to accomplish that goal.

Archangel Gabriel told reporters during a press conference this morning at the Pearly Gates that God’s patience with the pathetic results of Israel’s attempts at genocide has worn thin, and that continued lack of real achievement in the short term will mean that other nations with proven brutality track records will become eligible for the mission.

“The Palestinian population has increased exponentially since the genocide was supposed to begin seven decades ago,” pronounced Gabriel. “On top of that, Arab economy, life expectancy, education, and health indicators have all improved in all areas controlled by Israel since its establishment. That is not the outcome of a serious or committed effort at genocide. One would think, having been on the receiving end of a genocide only several years earlier, the Jews would display more knowledge of perpetrating one, but alas, they have shown little interest or competence. The Almighty will soon announce whether He has elected to remove that responsibility from the shoulders of Israel and reassign it to those who have shown the proper dedication and effort toward eradicating undesired populations.”

Gabriel noted that while Russia and Syria remain the favored candidates to conduct an actual, not pretend, genocide of Palestinians, other countries can still submit applications and documented evidence of their capacity for the kind of ethnic cleansing and mass murder that Israel has only committed in the imaginations of its enemies.

“China, Iran, and several African states could, if they were interested, apply for the role,” the archangel explained. “Not that I can see China doing so, but if Beijing wants to expand its influence into the Mideast, it can make a strong case for its candidacy.”

Whomever God chooses to replace Israel as perpetrator of genocide against Arabs, not all observers expect a positive outcome. “We NGOs are going to have to find some other way to spend our time,” lamented Ken Roth of Human Rights Watch. “Our mechanism isn’t set up to monitor, criticize, and call out other countries with the same robustness that we reserve for Israel. It could take years, not to mention a desire none of us have, to develop the kind of organizational and activist infrastructure necessary to lambaste Moscow or Tehran for the things Israel does that send us into a spittle-emitting rage. Frankly, I think we’d prefer to shut down than pursue such a tack.”

Please support our work through Patreon.