God Wondering How Obama Knew About Secret Stipulation Of Holy Land As Jewish ‘Unless UN Says Otherwise’

“We’re still scratching our heads at it,” admitted the Archangel Michael.

Heaven, December 28 – Supernal officials remained in a tizzy this morning, nearly five full days after US President Barack Obama engineered a UN Security Council resolution negating Jewish sovereignty in the nation’s homeland and heartland, amid revelations that the president had somehow uncovered the secret to undoing the divine promise of eternal Jewish belonging to the land by means of a UN declaration.

The Lord and Creator reacted with an immediate call for an investigative commission to determine how Obama managed to learn the secret proviso to the promise made to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and their descendants, whereby the eternal covenant regarding the Holy Land could be negated if certain international powers decided to do so. Initial evidence, say divine representatives, indicates no clear method by which the lame-duck president could have obtained that knowledge.

“We’re still scratching our heads at it,” admitted the Archangel Michael. “The special stipulation was meant to be an escape clause that God Himself could invoke if things weren’t working out, but the Master Plan has been coming along as intended for a couple of thousand years already, and this was, shall we say, an inopportune time to have it all unravel.”

Beyond figuring out how Obama found out how to cancel the covenant, the Heavenly Host must now also go about the lengthy process of reestablishing an Earthly system for bringing all of humanity to fulfillment and the realization of its essential role in the divine vision. “This is going to be a real pain in the neck,” complained Gabriel. “We don’t do time travel, but that would be the simplest way to remedy this fiasco. As it is we have enough pretenders – another round of replacement theology is not what Earth needs right now. Or ever.”

At least one faction in the Supernal Realms insists on waiting out the next several weeks until Obama’s term comes to a close, and only then give full attention to the matter. “These things have a way of working out sometimes, or backfiring,” explained Uriel. “The last time someone tried to use some divine tricks he thought he could manipulate ended up disgraced and known mostly for shagging his donkey,” a reference to the prophet Balaam.

“Not that I am saying anything unauthorized about Obama, you understand,” the ministering angel added with a furtive glance in either direction. “It’s not supposed to be time for that information to be known yet.”

Please support our work through Patreon.