Haifa Student In Trouble After Missing Too Many ‘How To Control US Government’ Classes

It could affect his eligibility for certain positions in the military.

Haifa, November 11 – A seventeen-year-old faces disciplinary action, school officials reported today, following revelations that he failed to attend a requisite number of sessions of a mandatory Israeli program for secondary education that trains the next generation to manipulate foreign political parties, institutions, and individuals.

The student, unnamed in the reports because he is still a minor, reportedly attended only eight of the eleven sessions on How To Control US Government, which all high school seniors must attend, and for which they must score at least 75% on the final exam to earn a matriculation certificate. Students may be excused from a maximum of two sessions.

Eli Cohen High School Principal Hafar Peret told reporters that the otherwise-competent student had completed all the required course work, but had failed to attend all the classes, and will therefore be required to attend either summer make-up sessions or forfeit his matriculation certificate, which could affect his eligibility for certain positions in the military – the draft is mandatory – and for admission to any accredited university in the country.

“Preparing our graduates for the core functions of Israeli citizenship is a task we take with utmost seriousness,” explained Principal Peret. “Anyone who cannot handle the responsibility of preparing adequately to control the US and other nations, cannot expect the privileges accorded those Israelis who do treat that obligation with the commitment it deserves.”

School sources disclosed that the student had shown no such disinclination or lack of seriousness last year or the year before, in the media-control, Hollywood hegemony, and own-all-the-banks courses. “He was actually an outstanding student in all of those,” recalled his media-control teacher, a Mossad agent who uses the code name Beeper. “It’s a pity to have to forfeit his abilities in the service of our global machinations.”

“Not to worry, though,” the agent admitted. “Plenty more where that came from.” Israeli students who fail to complete the demanding course in controlling the US often get shunted to less-arduous career paths, such as training IDF soldiers to invite Palestinians to attack them, to generate a pretext for arbitrary shootings, or Space Laser maintenance.

Friends and family of the student in question dismissed concerns over his career. “He studies Talmud,” noted one relative. “That should equip him for anything the Elders need done. In any case, there’s always demand for people who can kidnap gentile children to murder and use their blood in matza.”

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