“Not a metaphor, but also, yes, a metaphor,” Beelzebub stated.
Khan Yunis, August 7 – Leaders of the Islamist terrorist organization that until recently ruled the Gaza Strip with an iron fist erred, high-ranking members of the group acknowledged today, by misunderstanding that the group’s fulfilment of its bombastic threat to “open the gates of Hell” if Israel sought to counter the group’s terrorism resulted not in the unleashing of demonic forces against the organization’s hated enemy, but in an expedited route into perdition for tens of thousands of the group’s members.
Intercepted internal messages among mid-level and the few remaining senior Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad figures since last October indicate the Palestinian terrorists’ realization that opening the gates of Hell only served to suck them in quicker, Israeli intelligence officials disclosed today.
Threats to “open the gates of Hell” have long played a prominent role in Hamas rhetoric in advance of anticipated Israeli responses to Hamas attacks on Israelis, featuring in the threats surrounding various upsurges in violence in 2009, 2012, 2014, 2017, and several hundred times in the period since October 7 of last year. Hamas’s bark inevitably proved worse that its bite; Israeli casualties did occur, but Hamas losses were always heavier and the physical damage to Gaza much more devastating than to Israel.
This time, however, according to infernal sources, the authorities of the Underworld decided they had had enough of the organization’s treatment of the Gates of Hell as its own property to open and close by fiat, and elected to make passage through those gates entry-only for Hamas and its allies. Hundreds of Hezbollah commanders in Syria and Lebanon have found themselves similarly caught in the new traffic pattern.
“Some if it is simply that Hamas dug so much they opened up the ground underneath themselves,” explained Beelzebub. “Gravity is doing most the work here. Our major policy move involved refusing to let them out of Hell again once they fell in. It was their choices that dropped them here in the first place.”
“Not a metaphor, but also, yes, a metaphor,” Beelzebub added. “We might be the repository of everything vile and evil in existence, but we still appreciate poetry. Dante you forget it.”
Expedited entry and processing of Hamas and other Islamist terrorists has meant swifter-than-before implementation of eternal sentencing for such figures as Muhammad Deff, Ismail Haniyeh, Marwan Issa, and numerous other high-ranking jihadists, infernal records show. The sound-of-Jews-jeering-as-every-single-shamefully-wrong-decision-you-have-ever-made-gets-played-on-repeat-as-you-are-forced-honestly-admit-you-knew-the-whole-time-you-were-choosing-evil chamber has been expanded to handle the large new influx of convicts.
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