Hamas Offers Compromise Of Only Attempting Genocide 5 Days A Week

Cairo, Egypt, August 11 – Talks between the Islamic movement Hamas and Israel’s Egyptian proxies continued today as Hamas offered to back down from its demand that destruction of Israel and its Jews take place perpetually, instead proposing that the genocide take place only Monday through Friday every week.

Negotiators for Israel and Palestinians met separately with Egyptian mediators, who conveyed Hamas’s change of position to the Israelis and urged them to accept it, as it represents the most fundamental shift in position that can be reasonably expected from an organization institutionally dedicated to the destruction of Israel. Israeli negotiators reportedly told the Egyptians they would have to examine the proposal before responding.

International leaders joined Egypt in urging Israel to agree to the compromise. “It is time for the parties to agree to halt this senseless violence so that other senseless violence can take place instead,” said US President Obama. For Obama the urgency of a successful conclusion to these talks is especially pressing as new concerns begin to take precedence in Iraq, where pushing one side to agree to a limited genocide of its people has never been a feasible option. In contrast, widespread international support stands behind the demand that Israel stop insisting on its survival.

The advantages of Hamas’s compromise position, according to spokesman Wewil Killem, is that it showcases Israel’s hypocrisy in claiming that it is merely fighting for survival. “If the Zionist entity really cared about its people’s lives it would agree to this deal, which would allow them to actually keep the erstwhile survivors alive two out of every seven days.” He said he did not expect Israel to accept the terms, since Israelis are not known for being reasonable.

Turkish and Qatari officials have floated their own proposal under which Hamas would stop firing rockets, in exchange for which Israel would move its people to Iraq, where they could be massacred more efficiently. Strained relations between those countries and Egypt caused the proposal not to receive much attention in Cairo.

A third deal, offered by the European Union, calls for Israel to allow only half of its population to be rounded up and killed by various methods. Under that proposal, European countries could provide their own experience exterminating Jews, and would be available for paid consultation in the most efficient or brutal techniques, depending on demand.