Hamas To End Candy Celebration Of Dead Jews, Citing Diabetes

Gaza City, November 24 – The Palestinian government today ordered Palestinians to cease distributing sweets when terrorists kill Jews, saying that the practice puts Gaza’s population at greater risk for developing diabetes.

The Ministry of Health released new guidelines today following the murders last week of four Jews in a Jerusalem synagogue, in reaction to which thousands of Palestinians took to the streets to celebrate, giving out candy and sweet pastries to passers by. The sugar-laden festivities caused alarm among public health officials, who worry that unrestrained intake of sucrose, fructose, and other simple carbohydrates may wreak havoc with Palestinian metabolisms.

“We expect many more similar occasions worthy of celebration, and it is indeed every Palestinian’s sacred patriotic duty to mark the elimination of colonialist oppressors with appropriate displays of joy,” read the guidelines. “However, an increase in sugar consumption poses significant health risks, including the development of diabetes, a potentially fatal disease.” It called the development of diabetes a Zionist conspiracy, and listed some of the warning signs. The document suggested a number of commonly available alternatives, including balloons, streamers, noisemakers, and small-arms fire.

The intensity and frequency of candy-laden celebrations by Palestinians after a major misfortune befalls Israel has increased in recent years. Although Palestinians cheered the terrorist attacks that hit the US in September 2001, that celebration of Islamists striking Israel’s principal ally carried on only for a matter of days. In the intervening years terrorists have killed hundreds of Israelis, sometimes prompting the distribution of sweets, but only since 2009 have the sweets been distributed on every occasion involving Arab violence killing Jews.

Dr. Mustafa Insoulin of Shifa Hospital was the first to raise the diabetes alarm in 2009. “We noticed an uptick in diabetes cases following the winter conflict that year,” he recalled, referring to what Israelis call Operation Cast Lead. “Once a ceasefire was announced the candies came out, and Gazans have been celebrating Israeli deaths that way ever since. But my colleagues and I petitioned the Ministry of Health to find an alternative, because diabetes is one of the more nefarious Zionist death agents, invented specifically to prevent Palestinians from celebrating in their traditional way.”

It took several years to find a listening ear. “We had to be very careful how we went about trying to get the ministry to promote the change, because at the drop of a khaffiyeh we could ourselves accused of trying to undermine a central aspect of Palestinian culture and collaborating with the Zionist regime,” he said. “So it took time, but the officials finally came around to our way of thinking.”

Insoulin’s colleague Salaam Pankrias related the argument that swayed skeptical ministry officials in favor of the new policy. “It would be more consistent with the image we wish to portray of the Israeli blockade not to have sweets so liberally available everywhere all the time,” he said.

Israel expressed no acknowledgement of the news, even though ending the candy-heavy celebrations of Israeli deaths has been a central theme of Israeli rhetoric. “Nothing will ever be enough for them,” complains Insoulin.