Heaven Announces Plan To Pave Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot

Administrators may not know the true inventory until it has been removed.

Eden, August 27 – A divine spokesangel announced a new development plan for the supernal realms today, with the primary change involving the transfer of Heaven to a different, still undetermined, location, to be replaced by an outdoor parking facility.

The parking facility became necessary as more and more visitors have come to the Tree Museum, causing severe overcrowding in the vicinity and disrupting the idyllic serenity to which Paradisians had become accustomed. Because Paradise was developed under very different circumstances, when humanity numbered far fewer individuals, the Almighty solicited proposals for structural change from some of His leading developers. The most ambitious – and most expensive – proposal won the day: a program to revitalize the Downtown museum area, rezoning it for commercial and cultural space, and to move the inhabitants elsewhere, to a newer, more spacious environment.

The plan, dubbed Jehovah’s Opportunity-Novelty Initiative (JONI), still requires final zoning approval from On High, but experts believe that is little more than a formality, as changing demographics and commercial realities have strained Heaven’s infrastructure for decades, and JONI has been talked up as the most viable by far of several draft plans. Evacuation of Paradise will begin within two weeks of such approval, and denizens of the realm have scrambled to find alternative accommodations as JONI has proceeded through the supernal bureaucracy. It survived several challenges, most notably when residents objected to the cost – objections that were overcome when the archangel who developed JONI, Mitchell, explained that the bulk of the cost would be covered by raising the price of admission to the Tree Museum to a dollar and a half.

Logistical complications may nevertheless plague JONI implementation, as an existing proviso of municipal law requires that all foodstuffs supplied to work crews be pesticide-free. DDT was banned from the Garden of Eden in the 1970’s, but the burgeoning population has strained the food supply, and the additional quantities of produce made available if pesticides are used could tip the balance. Contractors are expected to apply for an exemption to the law; the fate of that exemption remains unknown.

Some residents of Paradise are expected to resist, and may have to be relocated by force. Already, a fleet of big yellow taxis has been hired to help move some of the more elderly denizens, but cataloging possessions has been spotty, and administrators may not know the true inventory until it has been removed.

As for materials, Mitchell asserts that the material for the parking facility will not be asphalt, but good intentions, of which the Heavenly realms have a surplus. Leftover allocated materials, said Mitchell, would be repurposed for construction of a road.