Herzog Waits Record 20 Minutes Before Exploiting Stabbing

‘An eternal two-digit number of minutes’

Tel Aviv, January 21 – Opposition leader and current electoral front-runner Isaac Herzog showed an unprecedented level of restraint in Israeli politics this morning by refraining from using today’s stabbing attack in Tel Aviv to score political points for a full twenty minutes.

The attack took place at about 7:30 Wednesday morning during rush hour, and Herzog was able to withhold exploiting the reports to attack rival Binyamin Netanyahu for more than a thousand seconds. Finally he was able to hold back no longer, and used the incident to illustrate how Israelis cannot feel secure under the current Prime Minister’s leadership. By then an eternal two-digit number of minutes had passed since initial reports of the stabbings emerged, representing a new sense of discipline and responsibility on the part of the candidate.

Netanyahu, by contrast, was unable to refrain from pointing fingers immediately. “This is the direct result of Mahmoud Abbas’s incitement,” he declared, obviously unable to maintain the dignity necessary for a proper display of leadership during an electoral campaign. Herzog allies and advisers were quick to point out the differing styles and how they demonstrate which candidate is better suited to form the next government.

“Bibi is clearly a temperamental hothead,” offered Meretz Chairwoman Zahava Gal-On, who made a point of showcasing her own silence on the attack. “As opposed to Buji,” she said, using Herzog’s nickname,” who possesses the sang-froid you would expect from a worthy candidate for high office.”

The previous record for restraint in the face of an enticing peach of a rhetorical campaign advantage was fifteen minutes, set this past summer during Operation Brother’s Keepr. At the time, MK Ahmad Tibi was praised for actually listening to criticism of MK Hanin Zoabi’s denial that the abduction and murder of three Israeli teenagers was terrorism, and only then accusing her critics of naked racism.

Observers initially thought a new record had been set last night as various Israeli politicians watched US President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address but withheld any reaction to its points until the speech had finished. It soon became clear, however, that the supposed discipline on display was in fact the result of every single one of them falling asleep less than halfway through.