Hey Look, Honey, I Got A Pager In My Stocking!

by Jackson Hinkle

Miami, December 26 – Anna, sweetie, you’re not going to believe what Santa left for me over Christmas – a brand-new, heavy-duty beeper from Gold Apollo!

I found it my stocking, honey. It’s so much more robust-looking than my old model – heavier, yes, but the package say it’s waterproof, impact-resistant, and has a much longer battery life. I can’t wait for it to beep the first time!

This should come in handy for evading the prying noses of the Zionist snoops and their stateside dupes in the ADL, FBI, and who knows where else. Pagers only receive data, and can’t betray my location. This model even says it can receive encrypted messages, so it’s totally secure. Now my comrades and I can communicate securely and safely with one another, free of any concern that unsavory actors will intercept our communications.

I don’t remember who suggested this low-tech solution to a high-tech security problem, but it was definitely one of my pro-Palestine allies. They have more experience than anyone in evading Zionist surveillance. I, if course, can’t take my entire reporting and analysis operation underground, as Palestinians and their allies in the Middle East do, but I can adopt some of their other ingenious methods. This one’s genius lies in its simplicity.

There are even ads online for this product, and from what I’m told from outside, non-Palestinian or not-specifically-pro-Palestinian sources, it ain’t cheap, either. So expensive that they themselves were put off from buying it – that means Santa really, really loves me! Honey, this is one of the sweetest Christmas gifts I’ve ever received.

Yes, better than that wooden horse. Come on. But yes, it was a beautiful horse. Rattled a bit when you moved it, but the woodwork was exquisite.

You know who would love one of these beepers? Minister Farrakhan. I disagree with him on a lot, but he and his staff could definitely use these to facilitate communication and coordination of anti-Zionist activities, with us, with whomever, away from the prying eyes and ears of the Mossad.

It pains me to mention that faggot, but Nick Fuentes could do better work with one of these, too. Jake Shields. Candace Owens. Anastasia Whatsername Lupis. Half of academia.

Hmm. Getting the devices to all the people who could benefit from them could get expensive. Might have to ask Mehdi Hassan to intercede with the Emir of Qatar, maybe get funding for this.

I have a feeling this is going to get so big. It’s going to blow up.

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