Hezbollah Hails Glorious Drone Operation Against Israeli Apple Tree

“I hesitate to cite exact numbers, but how many more apple trees does the enemy possess?”

Ein Zivan, August 25 – Leaders of the Islamist Shiite militia that controls much of Lebanon boasted about its most recent barrage of rockets and remote suicide aircraft against targets in the Jewish State, calling the light damage wrought to a fruit orchard in the Golan Heights “an achievement of the highest order that will shake the very foundations of the usurper Zionist regime.”

An attack last night that initially included thousands of rockets and drones into Israel – but reduced to mere hundreds amid preemptive Israeli airstrikes against ordnance and launchers – destroyed an apple tree in this kibbutz and slight injury to a neighboring tree. Hezbollah called the achievement “a glorious fist to the face of the illegitimate Zionist Entity.”

One person was also injured in the wider attack, and a chicken farm sustained damage.

Organization spokesman Muthir Lilshafaqa stated that Hezbollah now considers its vengeance for the assassination several weeks ago of the group’s number two leader accomplished. “Comrade [Fuad] Shukr is avenged now,” he proclaimed. “Our righteous wrath had flamed against the apple tree of evil in the occupier’s orchard, and now the cursed enemy knows what happens when he dares lift a finger against us.”

Kibbutz residents also reported possible damage to some irrigation hoses, but that might have been caused by jackals, wild pigs, or a careless tractor driver.

Hezbollah’s sponsors in Tehran also offered praise. “The Lesser Satan will disappear,” asserted Ayatollah Kooni Kos of the Supreme Council of Imams, referring to Israel in comparison to the mullahs’ regime chief foe, the US, whom they dub “The Great Satan.” “One more little push and the Zionist Entity ceases to exist and the victory of Islam over the infidel in this part of the world is all but complete. I hesitate to cite exact numbers, but how many more apple trees does the enemy possess?”

“Next we strike at the heart of the enemy, the people of the cursed Johnny Appleseed,” he continued. “Our allies in Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, Yemen, and around the world will together uproot the imperialist evil behind every Red Delicious, Granny Smith, Pink Lady, McIntosh, Golden Delicious, and Summer Spitzenburg.”

“The Carter Blue is almost extinct,” added Kos. “We only need to finish the work. Then the meddling infidel settler-colonialists will meet the afterlife fate of suffering and servitude that they earned in this life by refusing to submit to our superiority. Apples must die!”

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