Hezbollah Plans To Help Cash-Strapped Lebanon By Blowing Up Gas Platforms

“These are rightfully Lebanese platforms, and as such, we are relieving Lebanon of the headaches associated with them.”

Beirut, July 27 – The Shiite militia that effectively controls Lebanon on behalf of its Iranian masters unveiled an ambitious program today to help extract the country from its current economic disaster: destroying access to fossil fuel resources in Israeli possession that Lebanon claims lie within its maritime borders.

A spokesman for the Hezbollah movement announced Wednesday that Lebanon’s rampant inflation, unemployment, collapsing public services, sectarian violence, spiking crime, Syrian refugee crisis, and other devastating ills will soon end because the organization will launch explosive drones and other weapons at Israeli platforms in the Mediterranean Karish Field that drill for methane trapped in the earth’s crust.

“We will liberate everything from the usurping Zionist Entity,” declared Kamel Fakr. “That natural gas lies within Lebanon’s territorial waters, not in the domain of the illegitimate Entity. By blowing up the drilling platforms that extract the gas from beneath the seabed rock, we will resolve all the issues plaguing Lebanon.”

Fakr declined to specify the mechanism by which such operations might lead to the stated goal. “The details are unimportant,” he insisted. “The idea is to make existence so bad for Zionists that they abandon their colonialist imperialist project and leave. This approach has a proven track record: since it began a hundred years ago, the Entity has gone from a robust several hundred thousand Jews to a mere six million. In that time the Entity’s economy has deteriorated from mostly-agrarian to becoming an economic powerhouse plagued with advanced economic issues. Also, they now have the headaches associated with maintaining nuclear weapons and military superiority over all of its neighbors.”

The spokesman also sought to assuage concerns that by destroying or compromising the gas platforms, Hezbollah will relieve Israel of the headaches associated with the facility’s maintenance and defense, not to mention transporting and selling the gas to Egypt, Jordan, and Europe. “These are rightfully Lebanese platforms, and as such, we are relieving Lebanon of the headaches associated with them,” Fakr explained. “Prosperity for Lebanon will inevitably result from the removal of Zionist prosperity. Just look at the paradise that the Gaza Strip has become since 2005, when courageous Palestinian resistance finally forced the Zionists to uproot even their cemeteries and depart. Look at the heaven on earth there that resulted – we can have the same for Lebanon of we keep our focus on defeating the Zionist imperialist enemy in favor of submitting to the Iranian imperialist ally.”

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