Hundreds Injured Jumping To Conclusions About Murder Of Arab Teen

Jerusalem, July 3 – More than 800 commentators, politicians, and other public figures needed medical treatment yesterday when they suffered various injuries incurred while jumping to conclusions over the abduction and murder of Muhammad Abu Khdeir, 16, whose body was found in the Jerusalem forest Wednesday morning.

Hospitals reported admitting hundreds of patients for jumping-related injuries yesterday and today, with the most common conclusion that Muhammad had been kidnapped and murdered in revenge for the kidnapping and murder of three Israeli teens nearly three weeks ago. Their bodies were found on Monday, and buried side-by-side Tuesday.

Less common conclusions included that the boy was murdered by family members. Rumors swirled yesterday, also causing several head injuries, regarding the possibility that Muhammad was killed over suspected homosexuality. Police have declined to comment on the progress of the investigation, if any. One police official, speaking on condition of anonymity, confided that he did not expect a successful investigation in the context of all the mutual bitterness between Arab and Jewish societies.

Injuries were not restricted to local personalities: diplomats and politicians around the world participated in the jumping, including French and American leaders. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas nearly pulled a groin muscle blaming Israel, and US Secretary of State John Kerry needed stitches on his forehead after hitting it on a doorway lintel mid-jump.

The majority of the injuries were muscular, accounting for more than 500 cases, but nearly 200 of those treated also suffered from abrasions, cuts, bruises, scrapes, and, in one case, a fractured wrist from jumping to conclusions without looking first. The patient with the broken wrist said the doctors ordered him to refrain from flinging accusations with that wrist for at least two months.

Health Ministry representatives cautioned people to take safety measures, such as prefacing their statements about the murder with phrases such as, “If this was indeed a revenge killing,” and “Let’s not rush to judgment on this.”