I Emphatically Deny My E-mail Is Not In The Ashley Madison Database

By Binyamin Netanyahu

Many a reputation has been sullied by the release of the e-mail addresses from the extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison. I, however, refuse to let the list define my character: The content of that database notwithstanding, I hereby deny, with all necessary rhetorical force, that my e-mail address was not in it. It was there, and I would stake my reputation on it.

What kind of country would want as its leader a man who does not seek as many sexual partners as possible? Virility is a virtue, and the pursuit of countless outlets for that virility is a sign of robust vitality, a key feature in a leader. My e-mail address most certainly WAS in that data dump, and anyone who says otherwise is merely attempting to smear me, my virility, and my leadership. You will hear from my lawyer forthwith.

The claim that I have not been trying to arrange trysts through Ashley Madison is also ludicrous because I have already admitted to at least one extramarital affair, back in the nineties, so everyone knows I’m perfectly capable and willing to cheat on Sara. Is it cheating if we have an understanding?

A man does not go through multiple marriages, as I have, without cultivating, or at least succumbing to, that roving eye. I know I’m a good-looking man. I have the military background, a commando’s rugged toughness, a smooth baritone voice – in short, it would be beyond bizarre for me NOT to conduct my affairs as a ladies’ man (see what I did there?).  So of course I’ve done so. To waste my gifts on loyalty to my wife would make a mockery of everything good looks and confidence are for. If anyone accuses me of squandering those gifts, well, sir, you will feel my wrath in court.

Because court is what I do. I woo the ladies. Be they on Tinder, OKCupid, JDate, E-Harmony, or Match.com, my profile shows up. I might not be able to show myself as Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu up front, or even use my real photo, but that makes me exactly like every other user of those sites, and doesn’t say very much. I can’t stand walks on the beach, either, but there it is, right in my Ashley Madison profile. Some concessions must be made to the idiom of the medium, and portraying yourself as different from the real you is just the way it’s done.

So enough with the insinuations that my e-mail address was not in the Ashley Madison database. It was not only there, it was verified, and I even signed up for the guaranteed-affair-level of expenditure. I just wasn’t stupid enough to use a traceable address, or my real name.

I signed up as Naftali Bennett.

(h/t Morty T)