I Hate Syrian And Iraqi Kids Even More Than I Hate Other Poor Kids

By Santa Claus

‘Tis the season! Now is when I do my final checks of those Naughty and Nice lists to make sure everything matches: which children of rich parents get fantastic, expensive gifts; which children of poor parents get barely anything; which kids of both varieties get a lump of coal; and which kids don’t belong on either list because they live in Syria or Iraq, and I hate the kids who live there.

It can be a challenge to keep track of the gifts and who gets them, even with my vast – and growing, thanks to my operating outside labor union laws – elf resources, so it’s with some relief that each year I look at the total number of children to whom I will deliver gifts and realize I’m not nearly as burdened as I would be if I gave a rat’s ass about those Syrian and Iraqi children. It’s hectic around here, and the extra production capacity might be beyond my current logistical resources. So It’s a good thing those non-Western kids aren’t fully human in my eyes. I might have to include them in my plans otherwise.

Besides, if trends continue in that part of the world, there won’t be many left in a few decades – certainly not a large number of Christian kids, the ones I’m supposed to show preference. The Islamic State is murdering them or forcibly converting them, Assad is slaughtering or displacing them, and all I have to do is sit back on my sleigh and watch them get slayed. Don’t mind me – my reindeer and I are just passing through on our way to deliver presents to the kids we do like. As you were.

It’s not that I harbor real love for impoverished kids. As my inventory and itinerary demonstrate, my greatest generosity goes to the rich. How often do you see some poor kid get an expensive gift for Christmas? But at least I acknowledge them. You can’t say the same for those little brats in Islamic countries. Who told them to go get born to families in that part of the world? You don’t get my sympathy, let alone my affection, for suffering the consequences of your own moronic decisions.

Fine, it wasn’t their decision. So take it up with their parents. I’m not going to reward the children of people who should know better not to reproduce under the circumstances of the Islamic middle East any more than I’m going to reward anyone who has children they can’t afford. In fact I’m going to reward it less. Suck it, children of the Middle East.

And Merry Christmas.

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