I Like Giving Conflicting Prophecies To Different Leaders

By God

It never ceases to amaze Me how you humans get hold of an idea and force everything else to fit that idea, no matter how bloody or unpleasant the consequences. It also amuses me to no end (I am, after all, infinite). That is why I love to play different cultures and cultural subgroups off one another by giving conflicting prophetic visions to different people. Boom! Instant amusement. Well, an instant for Me. It might take you humans a little longer to comprehend what’s going on.

By far the most amusing clash of prophecies, and the most prolific in terms of body count, involves Islam and Christianity. The righteous insistence on the exclusivity of one over the other has led to such high dudgeon that even I have been taken by surprise. You people can’t decide whether you’re enlightened, wise recipients of the Word of God or a bunch of teenagers with a sense of self and identity so unstable that someone else’s idea of what I said sparks violent defensive outrage. You’re a riot.

But let’s not pretend the dudgeon is exclusive to inter-religious conflict. Sure, the Hindus and Muslims – or the Hinuds and Sikhs, if you prefer – account for an impressive number of people killed and maimed in the name of something ostensibly holy, but even within one religion you’ve managed to tally an impressive number of corpses. Let’s see: the Hussite Wars, Thirty Years’ War, Albigensian Crusade, Inquisition… and those are just within European Christianity. Then there’s the bloody Shia-Sunni split, which still tickles me, more than a thousand years later. Bunch of clowns, the lot of you. Can’t you get it into your thick skulls that different groups might be suited to different messages from Me, and that not everyone has to follow the same script? No, of course not. That wouldn’t be as funny.

Now don’t go around accusing people who said I spoke to them of deceiving you. It might be true. You actually have no idea. You find it ridiculous that anyone would receive communication from the divine, while I find it ridiculous that you can be so sure of anything at all. It’s hilarious. Some of you get positively dogmatic about religion being bogus, and fail to see the irony. Putting the moron in oxymoron, you might say.

Don’t ever stop. I don’t know what I’d do for amusement if you did.