I Like Having Iran’s Fist Up My Butt

By Hezbollah Leader Hassan Nasrallah

There’s no higher goal than resisting Israeli occupation. And there’s no better way to resist Israeli occupation than by replacing it with effective Iranian occupation.

My organization exerts most of its efforts trying to keep Lebanon under Lebanese sovereignty, fending off the colonialist forces of the Zionists by surrendering Lebanese sovereignty to Iran and Syria. Being Iran’s sock puppet is our chosen strategy for independence.

Some would claim it makes no sense to accept one form of foreign control over Lebanon in place of another, but those people miss the point: only by accepting the guidance, leadership, funding, and political overlordship of the non-Arab mullahs of Tehran can we secure our independence from the non-Arab Zionists (note to self: find way to dismiss the significance of millions of Arab Israelis, including Mizrahi Jews).

Another important point lies in the delicate ethnic balance of Lebanon: Christians, Sunni and Shiite Muslims. Unless we Shiites, with Iranian and Syrian help, have complete political dominance, genuine balance will remain elusive. Perhaps only because we would make the place a living hell for all the other denominations, but still. Balance.

That’s why our involvement in the Syrian civil war is so important. We must demonstrate our commitment to peace by assisting our ally Basher Assad in the deadly suppression of resistance to his dictatorial regime, thus maintaining a clear path for continued Iranian hegemony in Lebanon.

Also, and I’m sure I speak for all Lebanese, I enjoy the feeling of the Ayatollah’s fist up my rectum.