I Recommend The ‘Be Palestinian And Kill Some Jews’ Investment/Retirement Plan

by Richard Silverberg, Morgan Stanley investment consultant

New York, April 13 – Hi, thanks for being so prompt. I know you two are trying to juggle a couple a of hectic schedules, so thank you for being prompt, and I hope not to take a lot of time for this consultation. I’ve reviewed the information you forwarded to me, and I think with your particular level of risk-averse sensibilities, the most prudent approach involves what amounts to a guaranteed income in perpetuity, with a minimal level of risk – but it’s a long-term commitment that not everyone’s ready to make. Basically, if you want a guaranteed financial safety net for your family, your best bet is to become Palestinian and then try to kill as many Jew as possible, because that way the Palestinian authority will pay you and your family a generous pension for the rest of your life or until you get out of Israeli prion, whichever comes first.

Indeed, I did say it was a serious commitment! But this is different from most other investments, in which return and risk are directly proportionate. Here it’s not so much the risk of losing your principal – there is actually no specific or minimum to invest; that all depends on your situation and how aggressive you want to be about acquiring Palestinian citizenship, or at least residency, and then planning and perpetrating the terrorism. Shall I explain further?

So, the PLO – that’s the Palestine Liberation Organization – which basically runs the Palestinian Authority, the autonomous Palestinian government under agreements with Israel from the 1990’s, has a s0ar-unshakable commitment to paying hundreds, sometimes thousands, of dollars a month to Palestinians serving time in Israeli prisons for killing, or attempting to kill, Israeli Jews. You get more money for successful murder attempts, and – here’s the key point for the astute financial planner – the more Jews you kill, the more you get paid each month!

Yes, we must acknowledge the potential downsides, including the very real possibility of failure, and therefore of insufficient guaranteed income. That’s really where the “risk” portion of the investment comes into play – but with the right planning, you should be able to mitigate that risk, which in this case is not subject to market fluctuations or a change in general economic circumstances. Even with pressure and the elimination of aid by Congress and the Trump administration, the Palestinian Authority has refused to cut funding for convicted terrorists, even the ones with actual blood on their hands. The Biden administration has decided to effectively violate the Taylor Force Act – he was an American killed in one such attack – and reinstate millions upon millions of dollars in aid, proving that the patient investor in Palestinian terrorism and intransigence will always see reward.

What’s more, even if Israeli security forces neutralize you, and you don’t get to earn the money as you it in prison, your family continues to earn a monthly stipend after your death, because you died a “martyr” for the Palestinian cause. The potential benefits far outweigh the risks, in my assessment.

I’m not alone in that analysis, mind you: numerous Palestinians have opted to attain financial security for their loved ones by engaging in suicide by IDF. It’s a proven path to guaranteed revenue. The only question is, are you willing to make the commitment? The rest is planning.

Please support our work through Patreon