IDF Blaming Gaza Rocket Launch On Lightning Makes Assad Slap Head, Wonder Why He Didn’t Think Of It To Explain 500K Dead

“Can Gaza be the only place in the world where lightning triggers military equipment? That wouldn’t make sense.”

Damascus, Nov 17 – The President of the Syrian Arab Republic smacked himself on the forehead today following receipt of a report that the Israeli military has sought to explain missiles targeting Tel Aviv Saturday night not as the work of terrorists within the Gaza Strip or even of rogue elements therein, but as accidents resulting from inclement weather, in the belated realization that instead of denying his regime’s use of chemical weapons and of targeting civilians with brutal tactics in a bloody civil war that has killed half a million Syrians and displaced millions more, he could have just blamed lightning.

Presidential palace sources reported Tuesday that Basher Assad voiced shock today that he had not arrived at this discovery sooner, and that henceforth any Syria Arab Army or allied militia operations that result in wanton destruction will now be treated in official sources as resulting from lightning or other natural phenomena, since the same likelihood exists of that serving to explain the weekend rocket launches from Gaza.

“I can’t believe this solution has been sitting in front of our faces the whole time,” the president was heard to say. “Seriously, can Gaza be the only place in the world where lightning triggers military equipment? That wouldn’t make sense. We should be attributing all the barrel bombs, artillery, and mass executions to lighting also. Heck, even the tens of thousands of people who have died in our prisons? Lightning. Even Israel accepts something that absurd! Once you let go of the expectation that effect has to have any reasonable relationship to the cause, anything goes! We really should have thought of this years ago.”

Observers noted that even in the absence of Assad and his officials blaming lightning for the results of the regime’s brutality, Western and other apologists have not exactly struggled in the public arena. “Russia has had Assad’s back since the beginning regardless,” explained commentator Reza Aslan. “And Iran, Hezbollah, all those groups, they don’t care anyway. The only people who might have done something were the EU and the US. The EU couldn’t care less, and most of the slaughter took place during the Obama administration, who went out of their way to do nothing substantive. So I’m not sure what might have changed if Assad had adopted this rhetorical tactic, other than relieving some officials of a little bit of work. Regardless, I’m going to start blaming all my faults on weather, as well. Hit the bottle a little too hard last night? Lightning. I’m an apologist for ruthless imperialism? El Niño. The possibilities are endless.”

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