IDF Considering Drone Strikes On Vegans

Tel Aviv, April 21 – Faced with unprecedented levels of smugness that interferes with operations, the Israel Defense Forces have developed plans to remotely eliminate vegans, the source of 95% of that smugness.

A recent threat analysis commissioned by the Israeli military pointed to rising self-righteousness in the local environment that would likely complicate the identification and neutralization of hostile targets. The analysis traced the bulk of the smugness to a concentration of cafes, galleries, and other establishments catering to vegans and political activists, and recommended the termination of those sources with extreme prejudice.

With actual combat personnel already slated for duty along the Syrian, Lebanon, and Gaza frontiers, the deployment of snipers in sufficient numbers to eliminate the threat in a timely fashion has been rendered impracticable. Instead, the army is readying a fleet of unmanned aircraft to target and eliminate the vegans if such an operation is launched.

Analysts are divided on the wisdom of the plan. “I can see the benefit of removing atmospheric and social interference, but I don’t quite understand why vegans would be the first priority,” said Karni Vohr, who studies militarized societies at Tel Aviv University. “My understanding would be that the people who interfere the most in military operations are bumbling politicians, and I would expect an efficient force such as the IDF to make them the first targets.”

Others echoed similar concerns while praising the concept behind the emerging operation. “Reporters would be my first choice of people to eliminate at the outset,” said Jerna Liszt of the Interdisciplinary Center in Hertzeliya. “And if smugness is really the most important threat, vegans are a distraction – sure, they’re annoying, but they tend not to leave the city, where their herds – I mean their like-minded colleagues – spend their time. It’s the hybrid car drivers who are the real smugness threat.”