IDF Destroys Gaza Health Ministry Random Death Toll Generator

Human rights groups immediately condemned the operation.

Tel Aviv, December 4 – An Israeli strike has neutralized the machine that Hamas authorities use to produce the arbitrary casualty figures that appear in the wake of suspected Israeli operations, a spokesperson for Israel’s military disclosed today.

Colonel Bobby Yaar announced Monday morning that in a special operation, several dozen IDF commandos had penetrated the security of the Hamas-run Ministry of Health in Gaza City and destroyed the random number generator that the ministry has used to generate the statistics of dead and wounded in supposed Israeli strikes throughout the coastal territory.

“We acknowledge that a major aspect of this conflict involves the cognitive front,” Col. Yaar stated. “Western media uncritically parrot Hamas casualty figures, even when those figures make no sense, either in terms of the incident that allegedly caused them, or the speed with which they emerged – we are still sifting through the evidence from October 7 to arrive at an accurate picture, and that’s almost two months. Hamas puts out numbers within minutes of incidents that often turn out to be not even our operations, but either made up or resulting from their own misfired weapons.”

“We therefore decided to neutralize this cognitive warfare threat,” he continued.

Human rights groups immediately condemned the operation. “This is but another in the extensive litany of Israeli assaults on medical personnel and facilities,” declared Amnesty International.

Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) called it “an egregious violation of the explicit immune status of health care facilities in armed conflict. This must also include the government offices that coordinate the health care system. Now Gaza medical personnel with be forced to generate casualty numbers without centralized input from the Ministry of Health, which will take valuable time they would otherwise dedicate to knot noticing all the healthy military-age men in Gaza hospitals and the do-not-enter-or-you-will-be-shot sections of those hospitals.”

The groups also classified the move as a possible war crime, with a vow to get back to journalists later regarding what provision of the laws of Armed Conflict Israel had violated, but in case that does not happen, just trust them.

Israeli officials disclosed that one current focus for further operations on the cognitive front involves getting journalists and human rights organizations that expressed so much concern for Gaza civilians and health care facilities to care, or even simply report, the multiple times that Hamas and allied rockets had struck Israeli hospitals, with Barzilai Hospital in Ashkelon getting struck three times already.

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