IDF Put Hormones In Water, Gave Palestinian Youths Awkward Boners To Keep Them Home On ‘Day Of Rage’

A smirking IDF spokesman denied knowledge of the phenomenon.

Ramallah, December 14 – Palestinian public health officials reported today that an unusual spike in the number of adolescent and young adult males seeking treatment for unusually persistent erections over the last several days indicates that Israel has been injecting hormones into the Palestinian water supply to induce the phenomenon and its attendant social discomfort as a means to prevent those youths from participating in riots in the aftermath of US recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital.

Dr. Ayyaf Ziqfa of the Ministry of Health told reporters that the 45% rise in patients reporting the symptom since last Friday demonstrated something amiss in the environment that was traced to the water sources. “We get all of our drinking water from sources under Israeli control,” he explained, making sure every part of him below the waist remained directly behind the lectern the whole time. “That gave them the opportunity to perpetrate this crime. Most of the young men who came in for treatment told us they needed to get rid of their erections so they could hurl rocks, bricks, and firebombs at Jews without feeling ashamed.”

Indeed, media coverage of the “three days of rage” called for by Palestinian leaders showed what amounted to a fizzled outbreak of violence, with mere thousands participating in the rioting and protests over the course of the last week, a poor showing in a region where calls for such demonstrations could once rally tens or hundreds of thousands of youths. “We couldn’t get them up, the numbers,” lamented Fatah official Ali Ein-Qishui. “Of course no one can in good conscience believe popular support for our cause has weakened, so sinister outside conspiracies must be afoot to explain it. The forensic tests on the drinking water explain everything.”

Mohammad, a Hebron 19-year-old who declined to give his surname and kept holding a shopping bag in front of his trousers, recalled that he and at least four friends sought treatment for persistent erections after waiting eight hours at home in vain for the blood flow to diminish. “There was no way I was going out to confront soldiers with that boner,” he lamented. “I thought it would go down after a while, but six or seven hours went by and most of the riots were basically over by then. I went to the doctor and saw like six guys I know, all trying to avoid eye contact with one another. I knew exactly what was going on.”

A smirking IDF spokesman denied knowledge of the phenomenon. “It must have been hard for them,” he intoned.

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