IDF Still Not Promising Virgins, Paradise, Family Pension To Killers Of Muslims

“It makes me and my colleagues look like fools,  which is no way to treat the press.”

Tel Aviv, September 19 – Defense observers were horrified to discover today that this many decades into the religious dimension animating the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the Israeli defense establishment has failed to guarantee a place in Heaven to anyone who dies in an attempt to take the lives of Muslims, and has not made the killing of Arabs the impetus for monthly stipends to families of those who attempt to do so. The discovery threatens to upend the notion of balance, which has served an important role in the conception and framing of the conflict for more than a generation.

Journalists and commentators reviewing Israeli policy toward Palestinians and Arab citizens of Israel expressed disbelief and disturbance at the realization that not a single Israeli soldier or civilian has been promised such rewards by official organs of the state, even those who have killed dozens of Arabs. A spokesman for the group insisted that Israel immediately implement a system promising such an afterlife to the perpetrator and support for his or her family, so that the moral equivalence of both parties to the conflict can continue to be safely assumed in reporting on it.

“This is outrageous,” declared Luke Baker of Reuters. “The refusal of the Israeli government and military to adhere to the assumptions the international media make about them never ceases to violate new sensibilities, and makes the job of journalists that much more difficult. It makes me and my colleagues look like fools, or biased, when we let our mistaken approach govern our coverage of developing events, which is no way to treat the press. We have filed a grievance with the Government Press Office in this regard.”

Some defended Israel from the accusation. “What makes anyone think its the government job to motivate killers that way?” challenged Al Jazeera correspondent Aiwil Qiljouz. “It’s got to be a societal thing, not something the government can impose. The problem is with Israeli society, not with the government in this case. If they were more like the Palestinians – or like the Islamic State – we wouldn’t be seeing this appalling lack of inducement to kill the enemy.”  Qiljouz noted that while the IDF pays a pension to soldiers, the funds provided are not commensurate with the number of Arabs killed, which is no way to motivate fighters to kill the enemy.

“Ultimately, that’s one of the reasons to support the Palestinian side in this conflict,” he added. “Only once the foreign Jewish values are suppressed or driven out will the people of the land finally be governed by principles that reflect the right values.”