Witnesses recalled seeing the monster stomp toward the crowds of Palestinian protesters attempting to reach the border fence and breach it, scattering them.
Kibbutz Nahal Oz, April 17 – Wary of permitting the “Great Return March” to continue attracting international attention over the next month, Israeli defense officials invoked an ancient spiritual force to crush the violent protests, calling to its aid the Sumerian deity Gozer in the form of a 34-meter-(112 foot-)-tall monster made of sugar, water, and gelatin whipped to a spongy consistency.
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man made his first Gaza appearance late Monday afternoon, in what IDF combat zone commanders described as a pilot mission. Witnesses recalled seeing the monster stomp toward the crowds of Palestinian protesters attempting to reach the border fence and breach it, scattering them. An Israeli colonel gave cautious indication that further use of the Marshmallow Man will occur in the coming days.
“I would call this a successful test,” remarked the officer. “In this case we selected an area that was free piles of burning tires, which could have had an adverse effect on Gozer’s completion of the mission. While we do know from documentary evidence as far back as 1984 that fire poses a mere annoyance to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, we will try to provide optimal operating conditions as much as possible.”
Palestinian bystanders described the fearsome creature lumbering across the terrain. “It was horrific,” whispered a shaken Falestin Ahmad, 22, who was brought to the area as a human shield. “I was preparing to accompany a group of men pretending to be injured, when the ground started shaking. I looked up and there was this huge monster, the size of a building. It would have squashed us like bugs. We ran.”
“I was fine with my kid taking a sniper’s bullet for propaganda purposes,” concurred Ali Mustafa, 30, who was cradling his infant son in one hand and an as-yet-unlit Molotov cocktail in the other. “But that… thing, well, that’s a different story.”
The IDF colonel explained that given the willingness of Gazan rioters, egged on by Hamas, to sacrifice themselves to make Israel look brutal and murderous for protecting its border, Israel has been forced to find creative solutions. “We considered using trucks that spray large quantities of sewage-stink water, as is sometimes done at protests in Israel,” he noted, “but the terrain here isn’t so conducive to proper use of those trucks. Also, our only attempts to use it in Gaza have had no effect, since that’s the smell they have there all the time anyway.”
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