IDF Thanks Murderers of Arab Teen For Making Their Job SO Much Easier

Tel Aviv, July 6 – Senior commanders of the Israel Defense Force and officials at the Ministry of Defense expressed their gratitutde today to whoever burned an Arab teenager to death last week, saying that thanks to the killing, they will only have to work five times as hard to keep Israel safe.

Muhammad Abu Khdeir was abducted last week, and his charred body was found several hours later in the Jerusalem forest. While the police investigated various angles, including the possibility that the 16-year-old was the victim of a dispute within the family, recent evidence has led them to focus more on the likelihood that Muhammad fell prey to Jewish extremists seeking to murder an Arab as revenge for the kidnapping and murder of three teenage Israelis three weeks ago. Police arrested six suspects, leading a military spokesman to comment that if their involvement was confirmed, the IDF owes them a debt of gratitude for undoing in the space of an hour all the hard work of decades that has molded the Israeli military into the most careful force in the world when it comes to avoiding civilian casualties.

“Whoever killed that boy has accomplished what tens of thousands of enemy propagandists could not,” said Lt. Col. Maxim Facepalm. “It’s a serious achievement to undermine the credibility, morality, and image of an entire country, and in the process stiffen the resolve of that country’s enemies to further weaken her,” he noted. “Thanks to these patriots, the IDF can now look forward to bigger, more violent, and more problematic demonstrations, attacks, and other attempts to compromise the security and well-being of the average Israeli citizen.”

Facepalm gave reporters a litany of arenas in which the murderers’ disregard for the individuality and humanity of their victim will adversely affect the army’s ability to conduct operations, from the simple increase in anger in every encounter with Palestinians to the possibility of economic embargoes and sanctions stemming from the emotional impact of the murder, sanctions that could impair the IDF’s ability to procure the resources it requires to maintain operational capability.

“It’s a wonder how much they accomplished with a single evil act,” added Minister of Defense Moshe Yaalon. “‘Thank you’ doesn’t adequately capture what we want to say to these people.”

“Although we do surmise that Hamas and their ilk might have some interesting employment offers as a result of this,” he mused.