IDF To Clear Hamas Tunnels By Piping In Avant-Garde ‘Music’

The Wide-Echo Broadcast Emission of Revolutionary Noise (WEBERN) system is slated to begin full operations next month.

Kerem Shalom Crossing, January 15 – Israeli security officials announced on Sunday a renewed effort to target attack tunnels of the terrorist organization Hamas in and from the Gaza Strip, to include both direct demolition operations and a new technique for blasting atonal, experimental works by modern composers into those spaces to flush out any fighters inside.

While the Israel Air Force targeted a major tunnel on Saturday night running from Rafah, through Israeli territory, and into Egypt, the acoustic operations will be conducted from afar using radio signals, lasers, and other technology that will avoid putting personnel and equipment at risk, stated Ministry of Defense spokesman Elliott Carter.

“Two or three field trials have already produced promising results,” observed Carter. “We identified a tunnel within the Gaza Strip last month that fit the physical criteria for use of this new technology, and deployed the system. Within fifteen seconds, our surveillance drones captured footage of the dozen or so people in the tunnel running out with their hands over their ears, and they appeared to be in serious distress.”

The Wide-Echo Broadcast Emission of Revolutionary Noise (WEBERN) system is slated to begin full operations next month, following the completion of the testing phase. Spokesman Carter provided several key details regarding the WEBERN system, but declined to elaborate on the technology behind it.

“Essentially, WEBERN sends sound not via regular sound waves, but by remote means, causes the neurons in the target’s head to ‘hear’ the sound,” he explained. “Ear plugs or headphones will not block the signal. Neither will most insulation materials. WEBERN has been engineered to work specifically in the environment of a Hamas tunnel or bunker, such that no one outside those places will feel or hear a thing.”

Some defense analysts acknowledged a risk of the new technology. “I can’t see the international community sitting idly by as we subject Hamas fighters to the music of Grygöry Ligeti, Milton Babbit, and John Cage,” warned Harry Partch, a writer for Jane’s. “You can bet there will be outraged cries of ‘disproportionate force’ and ‘war crimes’ if the IDF launches this.”

“Of course there’s the philosopher in me who kind of wants to see it happen,” he added. “I mean, the music of those composers will finally serve a discernible purpose in the world. That would be revolutionary in a way the composers themselves would never have imagined, and I think would have to appreciate, specifically because it would provoke them. A taste of their own medicine, if you will.”

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