IDF Using Covfefe On Palestinians

An IDF spokesman declined to answer whether the IDF obtained covfefe from American suppliers under existing military aid agreements.

Gaza City, June 1 – Human rights groups are alleging that the Israel Air Force has deployed munitions containing covfefe against Palestinian targets, a controversial substance with questionable legality under the laws of armed conflict.

Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the Palestinian Center for Human Rights issued separate statements this week accusing Israel of covfefe use, and called on the international community to act against what they called the Jewish State’s continuing disregard for international norms.

“No other military has deployed covfefe, and with good reason,” tweeted Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth. “Israel must stop this barbaric practice.”

“Covfefe has never been proven safe to use in built-up civilian areas,” added Amnesty. “We have at least seven documented cases in the last year of Israel dropping covfefe on Gaza, and a possible eighteen further incidents. Children in Gaza City, Rafah, and several smaller locales are exhibiting signs of exposure to the substance, for which there remains no known treatment.”

A spokesman for the Israeli military denied violation of any laws. “The IDF adheres to the law,” insisted Colonel Peter Lerner. “There is a specific list of substances that are barred from used under the Laws of Armed Combat, and we abide by those restrictions. I suggest that those accepting these allegations at face value examine the records at medical facilities around the world before they jump to conclusions about the effects of covfefe – the use of which, by the way, I am not at liberty to confirm or deny.” He declined to answer whether the IDF obtained covfefe from American suppliers under existing military aid agreements.

Personnel at Shifa Hospital invited journalists to view patients brought into contact with covfefe. Ayama Fakir, 7, was playing in the street near his home, said his mother, when covfefe was deployed against a building next door. She rushed him to the hospital, where doctors have yet to determine what care they can provide.

“We’re swamped with new cases – it’s crazy here now,” blurted an emergency room staffer, applying a bandage in the most theatrical manner possible to the head of a patient with no visible injury. “I haven’t slept in two days, and I want to get back home to my family – who knows whether they might also be hit with covfefe? As you can see, this stuff is horrific. Horrific. From the moment it was introduced into the environment, people have been exhibiting all kinds of psychotic symptoms, and I don’t just mean in Gaza.”

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