If Elected, Trump Promises To Fire Ayatollah

He added that many other high-ranking officials in Tehran would probably also have to pack their bags.

New York, August 5 – The frontrunner in the Republican race toward nomination for president vowed today that if elected, when it comes to Iran he would apply his usual method for dealing with troublesome people, and would have the country’s Supreme Leader fired.

Donald Trump continued to make headlines with his outspoken approach to the nation’s problems, telling a group of supporters that what the country needs is a take-charge leader who knows how to get things done even if that means upsetting some people along the way. “In my career I’ve had plenty of experience managing people, and in my world, you either perform properly or you’re out of a job,” the real estate magnate declared. “It should be clear to everyone that this Khamenei character needs to go, but the clown we currently have in office seems to think it’s OK to just let him keep his job, and he’s even giving him a raise.”

“But you mark my words – I’m a man of my word; it’s one of the reasons I’ve been so successful – once I’m in the Oval Office, the first thing I’m going to do is pick up that phone and order that sunovabitch fired,” continued the mogul. “Somebody has to take responsibility for this situation, and you can bet I’ll get on it the moment I’m sworn in.” He added that many other high-ranking officials in Tehran would probably also have to pack their bags.

“I’ve got enough years as a manger under my belt to know that it’s often more than just one crappy performer ruining the operation, and once I have all the information, I’m going to give that regime a thorough restructuring,” predicted Trump. “It’s a matter of the corporate culture. This Ayatollah fellow has had absolutely no accountability since he took office, and the decay has set in. If necessary I’ll bring in a hole bunch of new faces, ambitious young folks who know how to get the job done. My guess is that [Iranian President Hassan] Rouhani will have to go, as well, in addition to dozens of cronies who are all contributing to the abysmal job that country is doing in terms of our aspirations and ambitions.”

No other candidates have taken as outspoken a line as Trump, which perhaps accounts for his performance in the polls to date. Analysts see his lack of nuance as a advantage with an electorate tired of mealy-mouthed, equivocal rhetoric. “The public knows where Trump stands on everything, and that’s a refreshing change,” said analyst Mack Truck.

Trump also promised to continue his investigation into the authenticity of Barack Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate.