If We Catapulted People At Sderot The Media Would Still Blame Israel

By Khaled Mashal

You’ll have to pardon me for quoting a Jew, but it’s good to be the king.

Our efforts to control the flow of information out of the Gaza Strip have been more successful than we’d imagined. Not only did Western reporters fail to let their readers and viewers know they were being fed misinformation, the editors back in New York, Washington, and London let out not a peep about the distorted picture we’d arranged for them to paint. At this point, if we set up catapults and started launching people instead of missiles at Israel, those news outfits would still parrot the Hamas line blaming Israel for their deaths.

Whatever the political or diplomatic results of the current negotiations, you can rest assured that the next round of fighting – there’s always a next round of fighting; we’re Hamas – will see us adapt our tactics to sidestep Israeli technological innovation. They can shoot down missiles, sure, but they’ve shown they won’t shoot a target if they know there are children nearby. So all we have to do is fling explosives-laden children – any civilian, really – at Israel, and watch as the BBC, CNN, the Guardian, and whoever else lay into Israel for the cruelty of it all. When all is said and done, the body on the ground is Palestinian, and we all know who always  gets blamed for dead Palestinians no matter who did the actual killing.

We can never compete with Israel technologically, so we have to go low-tech. Tunnels. Human shields. Dragging bodies around to increase photographic melodrama. Simply lying. Catapults are just a step or two up from what we’re already doing, and they’re much less time-consuming to set up. Push comes to shove you can always just use a standing tree. We still have a few of those, in the vast open areas the media somehow ignores when talking about “the most densely populated are on Earth.” Only one thing that’s dense around here, mutton-for-brains “journalists.” And that density in your heads is perfect for us. But I digress.

We have an effectively unlimited arsenal of human projectiles, thanks to Israel’s laughably ineffective “genocide.” I’LL show you a genocide, idiots. But I digress again.

As I said, intercepting the catapulted Palestinians will simply take the media fight to the enemy – we can paint the much-hailed Iron Dome as an instrument of baby-killing!

Well done, media. We couldn’t have accomplished this without you. See you in a couple of years.