I’m Committing Crimes Against My Citizens, But I’m Not Israeli, So Who Cares?

By Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un

As I hardly need tell you, North Korea is not Israel. We’re not Jewish, so it takes a lot more for us to get your attention.

It would be different if we were Israel. People actually seem to care what happens when Jews defy international opinion, but it takes a special kind of methodical war crime to get the UN to pay attention to anyone else. It’s been hard work sustaining international opprobrium these last few decades, and we North Koreans are exhausted.

Which is why I’m more than a little relieved to find that the UN has found war crimes being perpetrated by my regime. It means the international community might find a way to impose some constructive measures here.

Not that I’m crossing my fingers, if you’ll excuse the reference to that opiate of the masses. China is far too inclined to maintain the status quo here. Our increasingly irrational behavior has scarcely daunted our neighbors to the north and west, which makes it progressively more difficult to find ways to attract attention. Back in the day, we could use our nuclear program to bargain for food. But based on the permissiveness surrounding Iran, the world doesn’t care about that anymore, so there goes a bargaining chip. All we had left was the oppression and abuse of our own citizens. And China, with its Security Council veto power, isn’t about to stick up for human rights.

I thought it would be easy – when Israel does even the smallest thing to displease anyone, the Security Council jumps all over them. Hey, I figured, I’ll just go them one better, suppressing dissent, the whole deal. But nada. Bupkis.

I thought at first the world’s lack of will stemmed from the fact that my people aren’t Arabs. Then I remembered that the Syrians ARE Arabs, and the world doesn’t seem to care about them, either. What does a non-Jewish state have to do to get the world’s negative attention? And now that I actually have that attention for a brief moment, what can I expect? More bupkis, in all likelihood. What’s a megalomaniacal dictator to do?

I suppose we could try invading the South.