I’m Going To Drive A Hard Bargain To Buy The Chametz This year

By Tom the Shabbos Goy

Officially my job here at the synagogue is caretaker, but I do more than just custodial work and landscaping. The community pays me just fine, as far as that goes, but I think I it’s time to up the ante. When the time comes this week to purchase the community’s leavened products from them before Passover, I’m going to demand much better terms for the deal.

I’m not generally a hard-nosed negotiator, mind you. At the time of my last contract renewal with the synagogue, I was more than happy to accept whatever they offered. It more than covers my expenses, and I get a free place to live. It grates on me every once in a while, is  all, that maybe I’m a pushover. So once a year, when it comes time to buy the community’s chametz, as they call it, I’m tempted to negotiate for a lower price. But they’re so nice to me that ultimately I don’t bother, since everyone knows I won’t end up paying very much in the end no matter what.

See, it’s kind of a deposit and option arrangement, not a straight-out purchase. I pay a token amount up front – a dollar is typical – and acquire everybody’s bread, crackers, cookies, beer, whisky, and other grain products, and then, if I want to actually take physical possession during Passover, I owe the full market value of the contract, which could run into tens of thousands of dollars in a community this size. Of course that provision is never triggered, because I’m not interested in someone’s old crackers locked up in an out-of-the-way kitchen cabinet, but a guy can dream. I’m going to bargain them down to a much smaller theoretical asking price.

I don’t get much of a chance to exercise such negotiating acumen most of the time. And of course I don’t have an antisemitic bone in my body, but it would tickle me no end to get the better of a bunch of Jews in a financial arrangement, just to poke at the stereotype. I might even consider using the phrase “jew them down” in recalling the achievement later. But no harm done, either to their bank accounts or mine, and they might even laugh as I do at the phenomenon.

Hmm. I’m going to see if I can slip some provision into the contract that I get everyone’s single malt scotch no matter how little I pay.