In UAE, Pope Discovers Marriage Loophole For Sex Abuse Of Minors

“It’s not unprecedented to undo thousands of years of doctrine with the stroke of a pen,” remarked religion scholar Pete O’Filia.

Abu Dhabi, February 7 – The head of the Roman Catholic Church slapped his forehead in a moment of frustrated revelation today following the realization that if, like the Islamic culture to which he paid an official visit, the Church were to permit clergy to marry and allow marriages to involve minors, the sex abuse scandal roiling the organization for years could meet a satisfactory resolution.

Pope Francis concluded a historic trip to the United Arab Emirates yesterday, but on the way back to Rome, aides witnessed it dawn on the pontiff that if the Church reconsidered its age-old demand that clergy practice celibacy, and bend the rules to allow for same-sex marriage, the religion could then take a cue from many Islamic countries, in which underage marriages occur with some frequency. Francis asked to a member of his entourage to remind him to research the question upon the delegation’s return to the Vatican.

“He was flabbergasted, then quite excited,” recalled the aide. “I don’t remember the entire line of reasoning, but unless I’m mistaken it goes something like this: the Holy Father issues a ruling – which of course is not prone to error, as the pope enjoys infallibility when it comes to matters of Church doctrine – undoing the celibacy requirement for priests. Then it’s only a matter of the rite of marriage, which, His Holiness was keen to point out, is a sacred institution, and one that our Islamic brethren make sure to perform before engaging in any sexuality with minors.”

“It’s not unprecedented to undo thousands of years of doctrine with the stroke of a pen,” remarked religion scholar Pete O’Filia. “The Second Vatican Council did as much in the 1960’s when, among other things, it absolved Jews collectively for the death of Christ. Celibacy for priests is comparatively more recent – in fact it was one of the points of contention that led to the Orthodox-Roman split a thousand years ago, indicating it didn’t occupy a central position in Catholic doctrine until that had to be asserted.”

“In this case,” he continued, “there are distinct advantages to making the change even in the face of opposition from traditionalists. For one thing, it will minimize the problematic relationships and encounters at the root of the current brouhaha, because it will all be in the context of marriage, and as we see across the Muslim world, no one but a few fringe NGOs seem to care about that. I mean, if Israel were enabling it they would raise a ruckus, but that’s neither here nor there. And second of all, those who disagree might split off and maintain their celibacy doctrine, but at that point they’re not the Holy See’s problem anymore, so any subsequent abuse by such priests wouldn’t affect the Church.”

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