Instead Of U.S. Defense Umbrella, Blinken Offers Mideast Allies Actual Umbrella

The Middle East rainy season ended last month.

Sde Boker, Negev Desert, April 19 – The American secretary of state gathered in this community two weeks ago with leaders from around the region who came together in the face of the growing Iranian menace – and in the face of an American presidential administration apparently keen on further empowerment of that menace – to reassure all parties of his government’s commitment to their security, with details now emerging of the specifics of that commitment, including Joe Biden’s intention to replace a metaphor for American protection of regional interests with a literal implement for keeping rain from falling on one’s head.

Follow-up work on the Negev Summit of late March produced several US-issued documents, among them a clarification by Secretary of State Antony Blinken that continued US commitment to the security and defense of allies in the Middle East will translate into practical terms as the substitution of a nuclear umbrella or defense umbrella with a plain old umbrella.

“It will be a high-quality umbrella,” assured Blinken. “Perhaps one of those Gustbuster types, with reinforced rigging to prevent it from turning inside out even in strong wind. Alternatively, it could be on of those newer ‘upside-down’ models that close upward instead of downward, which means that wind catching it from underneath and blowing it the other way would just close it instead of turning it inside out.”

“Umbrellas have all sorts of sizes and color schemes,” he continued. “From transparent to solid black, with countless varieties of patterns. The administration’s favorite  at the moment is rainbow, as I probably need not tell you, but I’m sure we can find other kinds as well. Personally, I am a fan of the golf umbrella, the size that allows you to fit a whole crowd underneath. And the administration promises to make an umbrella available to our Middle East allies in the next six weeks.” The Middle East rainy season ended last month.

Analysts cautioned not to rush into long-term conclusions about Blinken’s umbrella plan. “Congress could still scupper the arrangement,” warned Ben Rhodes, a former adviser to President Barack Obama. “We’ve already seen how Israeli leaders might manipulate legislators into opposing something that everyone else understands as a good thing. Well, everyone else whose opinion I think matters, anyway. The president will have to get a few dozens pallets of cash ready to send to Tehran in the dead of night if this plan doesn’t get off the ground.”

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