Iran Insists Inspectors Get No Access To Ayatollah’s Porn Collection

“The Tera Patrick, Stoya, and Jayden Jaymes video collections, especially, will never be made available to outside eyes.”

Tehran, July 28 – Officials in Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs sought to quell reports today that international inspectors would be able to see some of the country’s sensitive material under the recent agreement, and asserted unequivocally that access to the Supreme Leader’s pornography collection was not part of the deal.

Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif called reports that international auditors would be able to access Ayatollah Khamenei’s extensive porn collection “baseless,” that Iran would never have agreed to such terms, and that such a provision crosses all red lines. He told reporters that the subject had not even been mooted at the Vienna talks, and only mentioned in passing in a preliminary stage of the earlier negotiations in Lausanne, Switzerland, never to be discussed again, and that bringing it back up was a cynical attempt to make it look as if Iran had made concessions.

“The Supreme Leader’s galleries of exquisite erotic photography and portraiture; his vast libraries of breathtaking video collections, including premium access to major online streaming sites; and the specially commissioned works and live performances of classic orgy scenes – all these and more must and will remain the exclusive province of Ayatollah Khamenei and the select few with whom, in his divine wisdom, he has deigned to share,” continued Zarif. “The notion that we would compromise on such a point of sensitivity, pride, and sanctity is worse than untrue – it is offensive, and could only be the work of the Satanic Zionist regime that controls the international media.”

Other government officials echoed Zarif. “Some reports included mention of access to the leader’s comprehensive libraries of certain porn stars’ body of work, so to speak,” said Minister of Defense and Armed Forces Logistics Hossein Dehghan. “Nothing could be farther from the truth. We would never consider tolerating, let alone offering, compromise on this point. The Jenna Jameson, Sylvia Saint, Priya Rai, Sasha Grey, Sunny Leone, Asia Carrera, Tera Patrick, Stoya, and Jayden Jaymes video collections, especially, will never be made available to outside eyes.”

“Not even mine,” added Minister Dehghan under his breath, with a look of dejected longing.

Experts do not expect the reports to significantly affect implementation of the deal. “There are means other than direct visual observation to find the evidence inspectors are looking for,” said Larry Flynt, a noted expert on the boundaries of the issue. “I don’t anticipate the inspectors will rely only on what Iran provides them.”

An unresolved issue of the deal involves if and when the international powers will exercise a military option if Iran reneges on its obligations under the agreement. Of specific concern is the Ayatollah’s stockpile of gay porn, which he and other leaders deny exists, but which is believed to reside in bunkers deep underground. The US, and possibly Israel, possess the “bunker busting” bomb technology to penetrate those defenses, but Obama’s desire to take the military option off the table may make such considerations irrelevant.