Iran Mandates Face-Licking To Prove Corona Contained

Every citizen must undergo at least one official face-licking by the 15th of April, eight days before the Islamic holy month of Ramadan.

Tehran, March 3 – Islamic Republic authorities embarked on a new public safety and public order measure today with a policy that requires officials in each city, town, and district to assign personnel to lick the faces of every citizen to demonstrate that a deadly pathogen sweeping across the country no longer presents a threat.

President of Iran Hassan Rouhani signed an order Tuesday mandating the formation of a face-licking corps in every unit of regional and local government throughout the country by the weekend, regime-controlled media reported this morning. FARS news agency reporters informed citizens via broadcast and print media to make appointments to have their faces licked by approved regime officials starting next week, with the goal of showing once and for all that coronavirus will spread no further.

“District, city, and village leaders will appoint one face-licker for at most every 400 citizens,” the order reads. “These face-lickers will position themselves in central locations in every locale so that people can come have their faces licked. We will thus demonstrate to the world, and to our heroic citizenry, that we have vanquished coronavirus once and for all.” The order includes provisions for management of larger areas, and special instructions for officials in charge of outlying or sparsely populated districts. It also requires that every citizen undergo at least one official face-licking by the 15th of April, eight days before the Islamic holy month of Ramadan.

Ministry of Public Health personnel have already begun producing instructional material for face-lickers. A spokesman for the office predicted the pamphlets will reach every major population center by Thursday evening, and the rest of the country by Saturday. “Newly-appointed face-lickers will have at least overnight to bone up on the relatively simple procedures,” stated a confident Deputy Minister Farhoz Dayyeria, also a member of the Supreme Leader’s Task Force on Coronavirus. “For example, it includes some obvious pointers such as removing any interposed materials from the licked person’s face, but also advises on recommended steps to really drive home the effectiveness of our prevention and containment measures to date, such as sucking directly from the licked person’s nasal passages and ensuring that the licker’s saliva enter the mouth, nose, or eyes of the person being licked.”

Other provisions of the order require that for modesty purposes, each locale assign both male and female lickers to serve the population, and that lickers who most recently visited the holy city of Qom and licked the shrines there get priority for placement in high-population locations.

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