Iran On Texas Execution Rate: ‘Bloody Amateurs’

“Wannabe Texas can’t even manage one per week. That would be comical if it weren’t so downright lame.”

Tehran, October 16 – Officials in Iran expressed disdain for the supposed cruelty of Texas’s criminal justice system today, calling the Lone Star State’s number of executions “pitiful.”

President Hassan Rouhani initially voiced bewilderment at the level of vehement opposition to Texas’s execution of inmates, as his country has put to death nearly twenty times the number of people that Texas has executed since he assumed the presidency last August. During that time, Iran has hanged, beheaded, or otherwise killed 936 people for crimes ranging from homosexuality to insulting Muhammad the prophet, while Texas has put to death a total of 47 death row inmates, all by lethal injection. The Iranian president’s confusion gave way to open disdain as he dismissed Texas’s efforts to appear tough on criminals as less than impressive.

“It’s pathetic, frankly, that a state with slightly less than a third of Iran’s population can barely muster the guts to execute five percent of the number we do,” said Rouhani. “And even more ridiculous is the level of vehemence that Texas attracts as a result from all sorts of ‘activists.’ Whom do those activists think they’re kidding? Texas isn’t bloodthirsty. Texas is a bunch of bloody amateurs.”

With the sort of namby-pamby treatment that the most execution-happy US state gives its inmates, argued Rouhani, the actual bloodthirsty entities of the world had little to worry about from any US-led intervention in their violent conflict. Iran has even less reason for concern, noted the president, since they still have plenty of oil and Texas has all but run out.

Other officials in Tehran issued similarly derogatory remarks about Texas’s pretensions to execution infamy. “Over in Iraq and Syria there are entire villages with beheaded bodies rotting in the streets,” said Muhammad Khatami, a former president. “Lest you claim that Texas doesn’t do that because of due process, let me just say that we also have our strict legal procedures and show trials, and that hasn’t stopped us from executing 1900% more people than they have over the last 14 months.”

“That’s almost three people per day,” he continued. “Whereas wannabe Texas can’t even manage one per week. That would be comical if it weren’t so downright lame.”

Rouhani refused to speculate on the roots, cultural or otherwise, of the disparity in executions statistics, but acknowledged that Texas and other states, such as Florida and Missouri, would pose a genuine threat if Iranians were black, and pointed out that Iran does not discriminate based on intelligence, but that in Texas a person with a low IQ is more than six times as likely to end up either condemned to death row or elected governor.