Iran Using Your Mom’s Dense Matza Balls To Protect Centrifuges

If they can pull this off, the Islamic Republic will be sitting pretty, knowing they can protect sensitive facilities from almost any foreign airborne threat.

Tehran, April 5 – Israeli military intelligence officials cited reports today that Iran is attempting to shield its uranium-enrichment centrifuges from attack by surrounding them with one of the heaviest, densest materials known to man, your mother’s matza balls.

General Marak Ohf of AMAN, Israel’s military intelligence apparatus, addressed a cabinet meeting this morning with members of the outgoing caretaker government. General Ohf detailed a number of the main points from agents and electronic interceptions, of which the main concern is Iran’s efforts to shield its nuclear weapons program from attack; immunity from military moves is likely to render any effort to deter Iran from atomic weapons development futile. The general described the matza ball deployment and distribution, and outlined several possible scenarios, none of them ideal from Israel’s perspective.

If confirmed, the use of your mother’s dumplings poses a formidable challenge to any nations seeking to destroy the facilities by air, as the substance has been known to withstand considerable force. A properly constructed armored facility that incorporates her matza balls will be all but indestructible, according to Ken Eidlach, a consultant with the military journal Jane’s.

“It represents both a shrewd and relatively low-cost solution to one of the Ayatollah’s thorniest problems,” said Eidlach in an interview. “No known weapons system has been successfully tested on such a material. It regularly holds up well to close-range piercing attempts. If they can pull this off, the Islamic Republic will be sitting pretty, knowing they can protect sensitive facilities from almost any foreign airborne threat.” He added that although he, personally, has not encountered your mother’s matza balls, he was aware of several cases in which scientists opted to use them instead of more expensive heavy metals in laboratory experiments.

Several cabinet ministers spoke off the record about the contents of General Ohf’s briefing, noting that while striking before the matza ball structures were complete was one option to keep open, the window for the production of those structures might be larger than widely assumed.

For one thing, said an official who spoke on condition of anonymity, incorporating matza balls into construction has not been accomplished before, and the engineering alone is likely to take months. On top of that, obtaining the necessary quantities of the material could prove an insurmountable obstacle even if, as agreed in Lausanne, Switzerland, last week, economic sanctions on Iran are eased. Your mother only makes about two dozen matza balls at a time, and accumulating the number necessary to provide adequate protection would, according to General Ohf’s estimate, take upwards of sixteen years even if she were to do nothing but make matza balls ten hours a day, six days a week. The alternative for Iran would be to employ or force others to reproduce the notoriously dense material, but few others have been able to duplicate the effect.

As a backup plan, the same officials noted, Iran appears to be developing a fruitcake-manufacturing facility whose products could serve as armor for the same potential targets.