Iranian Runner Arrives In Beirut To Warn Hezbollah Beepers Compromised

“You have to stop using the pagers before something awful happens.”

Beirut, September 24 – A courier from Tehran reached the remaining commanders of the mullah’s chief proxy militia in Lebanon today with an urgent message to discontinue use of the vintage communication technology the group had adopted in an effort to evade Israeli technical superiority in monitoring more modern forms of communications, because that vintage tech, too, has vulnerabilities that Israel might exploit.

The messenger arrived this morning on foot with the warning, having taken extensive pains to avoid employing any technologies that Israeli intelligence could penetrate from afar with their technical wizardry. He therefore eschewed any method of transportation more advanced than wooden horse and buggy, though at times during his journey he lacked access even to anything that swift.

“Hurry, you must stop using your pagers,” he warned aides to Hezbollah head Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah. “The Zionist have compromised them. They are the ones who supplied the devices through a shell company in Hungary, and thousands of the units are probably hacked. It’s likely too dangerous to continue using the beepers to communicate with units and commanders in the field.”

Reuters reported in July that Hezbollah had begun avoiding the use of regular cellular and satellite communications methods, specifically to prevent Israel from intercepting its communication traffic. The report described a newfound reliance on the 1990’s technology of pagers with alphanumeric displays to convey brief messages, which circumvented the normal mobile telephone and data channels.

“I knew I had to reach you as quickly as possible,” the runner continued. “Now you can find some alternative to the pagers. I’m no expert and I have no useful recommendations, and I’m sorry about that, but even my bosses back in Tehran didn’t have time to equip me with any such ideas. It was far too urgent that I get going at once. Maybe there’s another messenger on the way with more detailed suggestions. I don’t know. I just know you have to stop using the pagers before something awful happens.”

The runner showed little initial curiosity regarding his treatment upon arriving in the Lebanese capital ad finding his low-level contact who took him not to a Hezbollah office but to the American Hospital, where he delivered his message to a senior member of the militia with bandages on his hands and eyes.

“I figure we’re using hospitals the way our allies Hamas do,” he observed. “There sure are a lot of real-looking injuries here, though. Must be for the ‘human rights’ propaganda films in preparation for war.”

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