The Mossad did not respond to any inquiries whether it knows of its operations’ impact.
Shiraz, October 10 – A resident of the capital of Fars Province expressed continued relief today that, allegedly, Israel’s secret intelligence and operations service has caused fiery, booming incidents and various military facilities throughout the Islamic Republic, because those booms have helped conceal his propensity to fart all the time.
Ismil Ghasbaggian, 44, confided to what he thought was an anonymous fellow patron of a grilled meat skewer vendor but was in fact a reporter, that the frequent Mossad sabotage events aimed at Iran’s nuclear and ballistic missile development programs have been of indispensable use in his effort to avoid attention for his intestinal output.
“No, that’s not a very patriotic sentiment,” he acknowledged, looking around to prevent getting overheard by the regime’s brutal secret police. “I’m hardly alone in not feeling patriotic in the ‘support the government no matter what’ sense. I’ve got plenty of national pride that I don’t let the government define for me. This government’s pretty incompetent, letting the Mossad operate with impunity. So I say, good for the Mossad. The explosions are frequent and loud enough to grant me some discreetness.”
Ghasbaggian confessed he does not know the cause of his post-digestive gaseous production. “I’ve tried alterations to my diet,” he disclosed. “For a while, no wheat, then I cut out some fats, even went a week or two without refined sugars – that was hell. I tried avoiding cabbage-family vegetables. Beans. Nothing changed. I’m too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. It seems so unimportant and, well, embarrassing.”
Israel has long enjoyed the capacity to operate at will inside Iran, which has vowed the destruction of the Jewish state and fomented violence among Israel’s neighboring foes to both foster its own regional ambitions and distract domestically from oppression – both religious and political – and economic distress. Assassination of nuclear scientists, destruction of nuclear centrifuges through sophisticated computer viruses, theft of vast archives of information, and kidnapping of various Iranian personnel, have all featured in Israel’s ongoing campaign to deny the mullahs the capacity to make good on its threats. The Mossad did not respond to any inquiries whether it knows of its operations’ impact on the life of Ghasbaggian.
“I wouldn’t expect them to be aware, and if they were, to care very much,” he admitted. “They have much bigger fish to fry. And obviously, they don’t mess around. As the expression goes, now they’re cooking with gas.”
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