IRGC Leadership’s Sex Toys Turn Out To Be Mossad Listening Devices

The prime suspect in the Israeli espionage operations, is codenamed Spank Meidadi.

Tehran, August 15 – Investigators looking into the systemic failures that allowed an Israeli assassination operation to succeed undetected under the noses of the Islamic Republic’s counterintelligence services has found that Israeli penetration into the regime’s organs of security extends down to the minutest details, such as bugs and transmitters embedded in the dildos, lube containers, and other kinky implements in the bedrooms and boudoirs of high-ranking officials, intelligence sources disclosed today.

Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps commanders and auditing personnel released an interim update to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of their work to uncover and document the failures of the country’s preventive security measures, and the extent to which Mossad operations have compromised the mullahs’ control of their own forces. The interim report detailed disturbing indications that Israel’s intelligence service has had more or less a free hand in Iran, to the point of installing listening devices and other too of espionage in the most intimate places of mid- and high-ranking Islamic Republic figures. The report singled out the living quarters of Ayatollah Khamenei himself, and advised him to replace his vibrators, butt plugs, silicone anal lubricant, inflatable dolls, and every piece of bondage equipment, which must be considered compromised by default.

“Enemy success in planting an explosive device in the guest quarters of [Hamas leader] Ismail Haniyeh must serve as a clear alarm,” the report stated. “Every facility, every item, and every space must undergo thorough inspection, however invasive, to root out the spyware that the Zionists have managed to squirrel into our organizations and facilities. Nothing can remain off limits; the very arrogance of assuming certain places were immune to Zionist perfidy led us to this unfortunate point, and we do Comrade Ismail no justice if we continue to pretend the enemy would not think of violating the most sacred and most private spaces of all. We therefore recommend that our Supreme Leader conduct a complete purge of his personal possessions, beginning with the most sensitive and personal, whether those accessories are battery-powered, vibrating, phallic, dom, sub, or otherwise.”

“We urge the same guidelines for all other officials in the Republic, at least down to the rank of colonel in the IRGC, military, and Basij,” the report continued, referring to the internal security thugs whose usual activities involves suppression of dissent, enforcing hijab regulations on women, and arresting random people for looking at them funny.

The report also called on enforcement personnel to be on the lookout for a prime suspect in the Israeli espionage operations, whose code name they believe to be Spank Meidadi.

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