ISIS Waiting For Westerners To Decide Whether It’s Real Islam

Western elites serve as the ultimate arbiters of what is and is not Islam.

Raqqa, December 1 – Leaders of the Islamic State expressed anxiousness as liberal elites in the West failed to reach a consensus over whether the group’s Islamic credentials are legitimate.

Self-proclaimed Caliph of ISIS Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi and several of his top officials voiced impatience tinged with worry that others might decide their movement might not constitute authentic Islamic practice, a prospect that they conceded fills them with dread. Without the imprimatur of apologists in the West, it is believed, the entire societal basis for the Islamic State will come crashing down, since it is the Western elites who serve as the ultimate arbiters of what is and is not Islam.

“I’m losing sleep over it,” confessed Baghdadi. “Everything we’ve achieved in the last decade is worthless if, for example, John Kerry doesn’t agree that ours is a genuine manifestation of Muhammad’s creed. Can you imagine what it’s like to have your religious identity subject to the veto of some guys thousands of miles away? And they can’t seem to decide one way or the other, either. The wait is excruciating.”

Several ISIS officials could be seen tearing out parts of their beards as the tension refused to abate, while others pored over well-worn copies of the Quran to determine whether there was anything they had missed in their efforts to persuade people that their path is congruent with the will of the Prophet. Every ten or fifteen minutes one of them would feel compelled to leave the room and execute some captive Yazidis or Kurds to relieve the tension.

While some in the West accept that the Islamic State represents a legitimate, if undesirable, form of the religion, others insist that it cannot be, since they hold it as axiomatic that Islam is the religion of peace. “Islam means peace,” declared Professor of Anthropology Hedda Pmyass, which was news to people who understand Arabic. “Given that unassailable fact, it is impossible for Daesh to represent real Islam,” she added, using the Arabic acronym for the organization in an attempt to refer to it without explicit use of the word “Islamic,” although the term “Daesh” stands for just that. Pmyass expressed confidence that once her opinion became known, the thugs of Daesh would become convinced that they adhere to a bastardized version of the true faith, and take steps to renounce violence.

“It goes beyond how ISIS will certainly react once they internalize our rejection of them as Islamic,” explained US President Barack Obama. “Part of their power derives from their attractiveness to radicalized youth from around the world who are looking for a more fulfilling or more authentic experience of their religion. But if we keep insisting that the group does not represent Islam, those numbers will soon drop precipitously, because every disaffected young Muslim in the banlieues of Paris, Malmo, or Brussels looks to us Western leaders, diplomats, and academics to define for them what they do and do not believe.”