“Given the lack of prophecy, we could not issue updates.”
Jannah, May 30 – Muslim warriors who bravely gave their lives to defend or advance the dominion of Muhammad’s vision on Earth arrived in the afterlife today to discover that the promised reward, seventy-two ripe women available for the plucking, had disappeared long ago when earlier arrivals from stone-age cultures had thrown them into volcanoes or otherwise slaughtered them as gifts to the Divine.
Shahids, or martyrs, in wars against the infidels across the Middle East and elsewhere, expressed their confusion and disappointment in Heaven on Thursday following their discovery that the virgins they expected to serve them for eternity had ceased to exist hundreds of years ago, when “primitive” natives sacrificed the last ones to appease the gods.
“I… can I go back?” asked Mohamed Ali Butoam, a Hezbollah fighter killed in an Israeli airstrike last week. “Is there a do-over? This isn’t what I was taught awaits me here. There must be some mistake.”
“Do you at least have any white grapes?” wondered his comrade Ali Hassan Soltan. “That’s another possible meaning of the passage about the virgins. I hear they’re a delicacy.”
Acceptance of the lack of supernal virgins spread unevenly through the ranks of recent martyrs. Some arrivals have spent decades in Heaven still searching for the elusive maidens, unable to acknowledge reality. The less picky have settled for different rewards instead.
Paradis officials issue continued apologies to the shahid cohorts. “Muhammad was privy to the reality at the time he prophesied,” explained an archangel Gabriel who clearly had issued this spiel thousands of times already. “In the subsequent centuries, the situation here has shifted, but, given the lack of prophecy ever since, we could not issue updates. For that we are sorry.”
“Also, please stop trying to stab or otherwise mistreat Jews,” he added. “Not every part of Allah’s message was explained to you properly.”
An explainer pamphlet came out 150 years ago and undergoes more or less annual reprinting for the benefit of newer shahids. The pamphlet lays out the timeline of the virgins in Jannah. When Allah set up the system 1400 years ago, indigenous afterlifers began sacrificing the virgins to Him, the only way they knew how to relate to the divine. Since the virgins were not corporeal beings in the strict sense, and lacked souls, their loss made little difference in the scheme of things, and Allah introduced other ways to reward His most devoted.
The explainer also notes that the arrivals always have the option to serve as virgins themselves. None have so far taken Him up on the offer.
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