“Phase two will move toward implementing policies regarding Palestinians that do resemble those of our namesake.”
Jerusalem, September 5 – The Jewish State formally rechristened itself today by the same official title as one of its Arab neighbors, in a diplomatic move aimed at removing international criticism of its alleged mistreatment of a hostile minority population, mistreatment that gets ignored when perpetrated by that neighbor.
The State of Israel formally announced Thursday morning it will now go by the name the Syrian Arab Republic. International human rights groups, UN agencies, European Union diplomates, and other prominent political entities have leveled only token criticism of the original Syria for its oppression of and discrimination against Palestinians – including massacring them by the thousands during the country’s ongoing civil war with little more than token international outcry, a status that the former Israel now expects to attain in the eyes of the same entities.
Minister of Foreign Affairs spokesman Ali T’enah declared the change at a press conference. “Essentially the name will change but not much else, at least at first,” he explained. “The further evolution of this initiative will depend on the success of its initial stages. For now we will focus on the nomenclature, and will evaluate the effect of the terminological change over the next several months. If results prove positive, we will move to the next phase.”
“If phase one involves simply obviating or removing criticism,” he continued, “then phase two will move toward implementing policies regarding Palestinians that do resemble those of our namesake. This can include mass starvation, ethnic cleansing, destruction of entire neighborhoods, and just general mayhem to rid the land of a troublesome population. Appropriately, they can go where the Palestinians fleeing Assad have gone, mostly to Europe, where they insist they want Jews to go. The poetry is compelling.”
“Thus,” added T’enah, “we can resolve the generations-old crisis with the Palestinians once and for all. The main UN refugee agency, UNHCR, will resettle them as they do any other refugees from Syria, and boom, problem solved. No more camps, no more incitement right next door, no more weapons-smuggling and terrorism. And since the drastic measures necessary to achieve that result draw little, if any, consequences when a country named Syria does it – in fact major powers such as Russia and Iran assist in the operations – we should be fine.”
Analysts also say that international pressure to cede the Golan Heights may also disappear, since the plateau – taken by Israel in 1967 to prevent shelling of farms from its strategic elevation – will once again belong to “Syria.”
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