Israel Declares Day Of Mourning Over Death Of Nutella Maker

Pop icon Shlomo Artzi famously smeared Nutella all over his body before performances throughout the 1970’s, sparking a trend among Israeli women eager to use the treat to maintain youthful, supple skin.

Jerusalem, February 15 – Already grieving over the death of an Israeli-Danish Jew in yesterday’s Copenhagen synagogue attack, Israel was buffeted today by the news that the candy magnate responsible for Nutella had died, prompting the government to declare a national day of mourning.

Michele Ferrero, whose company also produces Kinder chocolate eggs and Ferrero Rocher confections, was perhaps the world’s richest candy maker. His Nutella cocoa-hazelnut spread has had the greatest impact on Israelis, who consume the spread in obscene quantities, primarily as a filling in French crêpes, making the Ferrero family obscenely rich; their estimated wealth stands at about $24 billion, or approximately the amount cut from Israel’s education budget this year.

President Reuven Rivlin called Mr. Ferrero “an inspiration,” remembering how he and longtime legislative comrades would chow down on Nutella at the Knesset cafeteria before health standards were introduced there. “We would put that stuff on everything,” he reminisced. “[Former Likud MK] Naomi Blumenthal loved how it tasted on rolled-up banknotes and hotel-suite vouchers.” Blumenthal was indicted for corruption more than ten years ago and forced to retire from politics.

Figures from across the cultural and political spectrum recalled their favorite moments involving the spread. “I celebrated the kidnapping and murder of the three Israeli teens last summer with Nutella-dipped deep-fried dough,” said author Amos Oz. “And I remember all those years ago, thinking how wonderful it would be if we could just give up all the area we captured in 1967 and eat Nutella as we were driven into the sea.”

Nutella was developed amid cacao shortages after the Second World War in Europe. Michele’s father Pietro substitutes hazelnuts for much of the chocolate in the product, then toyed with the formula repeatedly, but it was under Pietro Jr. in 1964 that the now-iconic spread gained its current form. Pop icon Shlomo Artzi famously smeared Nutella all over his body before performances throughout the 1970’s, sparking a trend among Israeli women eager to use the treat to maintain youthful, supple skin. “I still do it at least once a week,” boasted veteran Haaretz journalist Amira Hess. Fortunately for Palestinian women, says Hess, Nutella is not among the foodstuffs the Palestinian authority has announced it will boycott.

Opposition leader and electoral hopeful Isaac Herzog also shared several of his memorable associations with Nutella, including a taste for the spread that remains one of only three things that he and Zionist Union running mate Tzipi Livni have in common.

“But I didn’t come here to discuss politics. Today is a day we should be above politics, except to note that it’s obviously Bibi’s fault that Nutella is cheaper in Berlin.”