Israel Discloses It Destroyed Syrian Stockpile Of Nickelback Songs

Nickelback was stored in multiple places around Syria, and a coordinated effort of intelligence, air power, and other assets was necessary to ensure near-simultaneous destruction.

Credit: Thakingdome via Wikimedia Commons

Tel Aviv, March 22 – Officials at the Ministry of Defense revealed today that it was Israel behind the 2007 airstrikes near Damascus that removed the threat of Nickelback proliferation in the region.

Ministry spokesman Ben Gavni told reporters at a press conference this morning that in addition to destroying a North Korean nuclear facility in Syria that year, which the ministry confirmed yesterday, concurrent with the reactor strike the Israel Air Force conducted an operation to obliterate the Assad regime’s stores of Nickelback material.

“In some ways the Nickelback-destruction operation was more sophisticated and complex than the reactor strike,” explained Gavni. “The reactor was a single location, and represented a single target, even if it required multiple bombs to destroy. On the other hand, the Nickelback was stored in multiple places around Syria, and a coordinated effort of intelligence, air power, and other assets was necessary to ensure near-simultaneous destruction of all the Nickelback before Syrian defenses could be alerted and potentially thwart destruction of some.”

Defense experts with some knowledge of the operation compared it to Israel’s opening move in the 1967 Six-Day War, involving hundreds of sorties to conduct simultaneous airstrikes on Egyptian air fields that effectively destroyed the Egyptian air force and ensured Israeli air superiority for the duration of the conflict. The preemptive nature of the Nickelback stockpile strike bears similarities to that operation, they note, mainly in terms of setting the tone for any continuing hostilities.

“Modern military aviation technology made the 2007 strikes less of a planning headache, and the target areas were much closer together than the Egyptian air fields in ’67, but the principles and risks were similar,” observed Donald Payola of Jane’s. “Of course no one really doubted who was behind the strikes. Other powers appear not to care about the dangerous proliferation of Nickelback, and it looks like they’re relying on Israel’s forward position in the region to stand against the threat. Perhaps there is intelligence coordination or other quiet assistance going on behind the scenes, but to the public eye, no one else is doing anything about it.”

Israel has made similar moves in the past to remove dangerous threats, but most of those involve keeping the dangers away from herself, and not destroying them. In perhaps the most prominent instance, Israel has succeeded in ensuring that former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters never sets foot in the country, keeping Israelis safe from direct exposure to his idiocy and hypocrisy, but those forces remain, potentially having adverse effects on other countries.

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