Israel Election Results Great, Says Obama Through Gritted Teeth

Netanyahu, for his part, took a gracious tone, telling Obama the victory could not have been accomplished without his efforts.

Washington, March 18 – The stunning reelection of Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu yesterday prompted insistence from US President Barack Obama that he welcomes the outcome as a democratic expression of the wish of the Israeli public, and that he hopes to move forward with Mr. Netanyahu in shoring up the historic ties between the two nations and moving toward a comprehensive regional peace agreement, a sentiment the president expressed with barely concealed rage.

Netanyahu’s Likud party garnered 30 seats in the 120-member Knesset, giving him the largest faction and first crack at forming a coalition government. Obama and many of his allies in the left-leaning Democratic Party had hoped – and in many cases actively campaigned – to oust the incumbent Netanyahu in favor of Labor Party Chairman Isaac Herzog, who they hoped would be a more pliable leader. Obama and Netanyahu have an uneasy relationship even beyond their ideological differences, but the president said he would be happy to continue working with the Israeli prime minister, then clenched his jaw and kicked the lectern. Aides said he suffered only minor bruising as a result.

Obama monitored the progress of Israeli elections through most of the day Tuesday, asking for frequent updates from staff regarding exit polls, and, with a serene smile, when he might know whether Israel had “finally decided to kick that chickensh*t out of office,” staffers reported. Initial exit polls became available at about 3 pm Eastern Time, and they showed Likud leading Herzog’s Zionist Union alliance by an average of 2 parliament seats. Aides noted that the president slowly balled his hands into fists upon hearing the news, then took several deep breaths and asked to be kept informed as “the real, you know, accurate, reliable numbers” came in, “not those fake polls.”

As the official count more or less confirmed the exit poll results, the president was seen muttering and pacing, at one point slamming down his coffee mug so hard it cracked. He apologized for the mess and quickly explained it must have slipped.

Late last night Obama realized he would be forced to call and congratulate the winner, and repeatedly found himself having to go to the bathroom, tie his shoes, look for a pen, and check possible incoming messages from Michelle or the two girls, all of whom had already gone to sleep. He also turned the making of a simple cup of instant coffee into an elaborate ritual, as if waiting for further news to come in to the effect that all the earlier reports had gotten it all wrong. Finally he strode to his desk and lifted the receiver, clutching it so tightly that his knuckles turned white. As he spoke, with his voice calm, a vein bulged in the president’s forehead. Obama let out an audible sigh when told the line to Netanyahu’s phone was busy.

Netanyahu called back ten minutes later; when informed the prime minister was on the line, the president whirled around and punched the wall, possibly breaking his ring finger and jeopardizing his golf game. Grimacing, with his other hand he took the receiver to offer congratulations to Netanyahu.

Netanyahu, for his part, took a gracious tone, telling Obama the victory could not have been accomplished without his efforts.