Israel Hoarding Jews, Won’t Let Arabs Perform Traditional Massacres

“Riots aren’t the same without local Jews to scapegoat, beat, rape, and despoil.”

Damascus, July 7 – Activists and government representatives from around the region continued to accuse the Jewish State today of keeping almost all of the Middle East’s Jews for itself, leaving only a token amount in various surrounding countries and depriving those societies of the opportunity to engage in the venerable local custom of rounding up Jews for killing, or at least of joining a rampaging mob that loots, rapes, beats, and murders whichever Jews cross their path.

Syria, Lebanon. Egypt, and Jordan, Israel’s immediate neighbors, together boast a Jewish population of perhaps a few dozen, in a region where once more than a million Jews lived since ancient times. The establishment of Israel in 1948 and its successful defense against local irregulars and invading troops from five countries sparked the expulsion of hundreds of thousands of Jews from around the region, many of whom Israel accepted. Continued persecution of remaining Jews in the Levant and beyond further reduced their numbers in those lands, while in Israel their numbers grew steadily; today Israel’s Jewish population stands at over six million, which the state’s armed forces stubbornly defend and prevent large-scale killings that once served as an important outlet for surrounding populations to express aggression, leaving those populations without the centuries-old avenue of showing anger, superiority, or just plain boredom by marauding through the streets of the city and bludgeoning Jews.

“It’s just one more example of Zionists erasing our culture,” lamented Syrian Minister of Religious Minorities Butyur Notmuslim. “Various activists try anyway to kill Jews from a distance, but those numbers are always disappointing. Nothing like the [1941 massacres in Baghdad known as] the Farhud; not even the dozens of Jews killed in Hebron in 1929. Our way of life is disappearing. It’s a kind of ethnic cleansing, when you think about it. Preservationists should be campaigning to let us perform the traditional massacres.”

“Riots aren’t the same without local Jews to scapegoat, beat, rape, and despoil,” acknowledged Lebanese activist Mustafa Massikr. “Once upon a time that would fill an entire weekend, but now I don’t think we have any Jews left in the country. Certainly not enough for a respectable, old-fashioned massacre that used to result from the traditional Jews-kill-non-Jewish-children-and-use-the-blood-in-matza accusation. We have to settle for accusing the Jewish State of killing Arab kids, and while that’s satisfying in its own way, there’s a certain impotence in not being able to kill one’s own neighbors as part of the ritual.”

Officials allowed that Arab countries shared some blame for the situation. “Jordan and Egypt ethnically cleansed Jews from the areas they took in ’48,” noted Jordanian activist Khaybar Khaybar. “Then a whole bunch of Arab countries kicked out their Jews, or most of them. Some only sealed the deal after 1967. Only non-Arab Iran has held on to a significant number, but they hoard their Jews and won’t share either. This whole situation is an inexcusable denial of our right to conduct our cultural and religious rituals. We don’t even have Jews to massacre in frustration over the situation; that’s how bad it is.”

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