Israel Invites Gold Medalist To Throw Out Ceremonial 1st Rock At Protest

Violent demonstrations occur much more frequently in Israel than does baseball.

Jerusalem, August 11 – Israeli officials have decided to take a play from the American playbook: they will leverage the country’s second-ever attainment of an Olympic gold medal to generate publicity by tapping the medalist to launch various events, much in the way various celebrities or other public figures often inaugurate a baseball game through a ceremonial first pitch. However, lacking the requisite prevalence of baseball games in the country, the officials have instead hit on the idea of asking gymnast Artem Dolgopyat to toss the first stone at a violent demonstration, a phenomenon that occurs much more frequently in Israel than does baseball.

Dolgopyat won the country’s second-ever gold medal last week at the Tokyo Olympics. Event producers, politicians, and other publicity-minded Israelis began salivating at the opportunity to piggyback their causes, interests, or clients on the athlete’s newfound celebrity. Several prominent such movers and shakers discussed the possibilities of endorsement deals, sponsorships, and other options; the avenue that one participant called “the most compelling idea in the conversation” generated the most excitement: having Dolgopyat perform whatever Israeli activity would be the best analog to the American ceremonial first pitch in baseball. Consensus among those involved in the conversations emerged that the best Israeli analog to such a phenomenon would be having him throw out the first rock at a violent demonstration.

“We have numerous opportunities to have Artem throw the first rock,” explained an advertising executive from the Battei Z’khukhit firm. “This even has the potential for a cross-sector kind of promotion, since the Arab population here is even more into that kind of activity than the rest of the country. The Haredim, also, should respond well, but there does remain their ambivalence, if not hostility, toward Dolgopyat’s non-Jewish status. Still, it’s worth a shot.”

Time is of the essence, argued another publicist. “We have to strike while the iron is hot,” insisted Ali Mut. “The Games just ended and the hype hasn’t faded. We need to organize a riot as soon as possible to capitalize on this opportunity for maximum impact. I’m going to call some contacts in Umm el-Fahm, Jaffa, Lod, Haifa, Ramle, and Jerusalem, and then try to get in touch with Dolgopyat’s agent, if he even has one. we need to get a riot going sometime in the next few days if we’re going to make the most of it. In fact, I’m going to call the Al Aqsa folks right now to see if they can drum up some disturbances in reaction to Jews breathing haram Muslim air or something.”

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