Israel Threatens Hamas With Justin Bieber Shows

Jerusalem, July 29 – After three weeks of intense fighting and no clear end in sight, Israel unveiled a new weapon in its conflict with Hamas today, announcing that if the Islamist organization that rules the Gaza Strip does not agree to disarm, the Ministry for Cultural Affairs will bring in teen pop sensation Justin Bieber for a second series of performances.

Israel has been hard-pressed to neutralize the threat of rockets and tunnel infiltrations, which continue despite aerial bombardment of the Gaza Strip and the use of ground troops to destroy the tunnels, rockets, and launchers. Although only 3 Israeli civilians have been killed by rockets or mortars, and tunnel infiltrators have only managed to kill soldiers, the Israeli death toll increased to beyond 50 on Monday, and more than a thousand Palestinians have been killed in the fighting, which is taking place in crowded residential areas. Hamas did not manufacture the long-range  rockets or arms, but smuggled them into the Gaza Strip via regional allies, and the deployment of the Bieber-bomb, as some are calling it, would serve as a message as much to the regional enemies such as Iran as to Hamas itself.

Bieber performed in Israel in 2012, but Palestinian exposure to that assault was minimal. This time, says Minister of Culture, Science, and Sport Go’al Nefesh, Israel’s enemies will feel the full fury of adolescent tastelessness in music. “Operation Protective Edge marks the first time in years that the IDF has gone on the offensive on such a scale,” she explained. “The brilliance of this plan is its use of the extremely offensive.”

If properly executed, says geopolitical analyst T. Neebopper, the use of a Bieber concert – or, more likely, concert series – will signal to players such as Turkey, Iran, Syria, Hezbollah, and to some extent ISIS, that Israel will not take their continued hostility lying down, and is prepared to use even something that horrifying to ensure lasting security for its civilians.

Israeli civilians would also be exposed to the effects of the Bieber, says Neebopper, but many have them have developed immunity as a result of the first episode. Moreover, other common elements of Israeli cultural life have contributed to immunity against otherwise lethal doses of tastelessness, such as people who wear athletic shoes with dress trousers, “yellow” cheese, and “Chromagen” water heater radio ads.

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