“These boots were made for lickin.'”
Washington, March 10 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s newly-minted envoy to the US gifted the American president today with new footwear, since a previous pair has become eroded from the persistent friction of foreign and domestic figures’ tongues against them, a spokesman for the embassy announced today.
Ambassador Yechiel Leiter brought with him to a meeting with several White House staffers a shiny pair of boots to give to President Donald Trump, now that other leaders have seen what happens to leaders, such as Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who fail to kowtow properly – resulting in a spate of kiss-up moves and statements from numerous prominent figures within and without of the United States.
“We figured the president could use another set,” explained Ambassador Leiter, who took office in January. “The boot-licking didn’t start yesterday. It’s been a growing phenomenon, ever since it became clear among Republicans, even former critics, that he would get the 2024 nomination. It accelerated when he got elected. And, well, here we are, and even good-quality boots will wear out if they’re licked enough.”
“I know President Trump will only buy the best boots, the best,” he continued. “I’ve never seen boots like his. Boots so good, I bet his feet are begging him to stop spoiling them with boots that good. Still, even the best boots need to be replaced after a while. Especially with all the tongues – and some of those tongues are absolutely gross, let me tell you – rubbing all over the leather. He doesn’t have to need these new ones right now, but these boots were made for lickin.'”
Aides to the ambassador disclosed that he had considered a number of options for the gesture: something related to the chief executive’s fondness for golf; a piece of décor for Mar-a-Lago; or another memento of Israel’s intelligence and operational prowess, as a companion piece to the golden beeper that Prime Minister Netanyahu gave Trump when visiting Washington last month, and which the president appreciated. In the end, however, the consultations and discussions settled on the boots, which could accomplish their purpose without needing to be licked by the ambassador or Netanyahu per se, at least not yet.
Rumors began to circulate earlier this week in Washington that other international players had attempted to engineer such a gift to Trump, but were stymied by various obstacles. A Chinese dignitary, for example, attempted to bring a new pair of boots into the country, but was detained by border security because they found fentanyl stuffed into the footwear.
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